Off In The Distance: A Lexi Hansen Story
by JamieMac26
Summary: DEADLIEST CATCH: Nothing has changed in Lexi Hansen's life for the past four years but then someone comes into her life that threatens to change everything. Is it a change she's ready for or one that she'll fight to prevent from ever happening?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anyone involved with Deadliest Catch. I do, however, own my original characters and the scenarios in which I place them. This is a work based not in fact but in a basis of fiction (meaning it's not real (0: ****).**

I stood and waited. It wasn't supposed to have taken this long. "We'll only be gone for 8 weeks", my father had stated. However, those 8 had turned into 9 which in turn become 11.

11 weeks. Never had their being gone felt like an eternity. Normally, I would have waited back in Seattle, but since they had been gone three weeks longer than originally planned, I had chosen to fly up and meet them at Dutch Harbor, Alaska. It was cold, as December always was, but I just pulled my coat tighter around my body. I knew that the boats would be arriving soon, I'd found out that information from the harbor master, so I would continue to wait in the frigid night air.

Off in the distance, hovering above the blackened sea, I saw small balls of lights. My excitement and anticipation levels begin to rise quickly; the waiting was going to be the death of me. I had always been in love with the ocean; the smell of it filled my mind with countless memories. For generations my family had been fisherman, not just regular fisherman but Bering Sea crab fisherman. My father was the captain and his two brothers worked on the deck of our family owned boat. I'd always been a daddy's girl and every crab season when the boats would leave Seattle, I would cry as they faded off into the distance. I had a love/hate relationship with crab fishing. On the one hand it was something I knew, something that I had been around my entire life, but the flip side of that was it snatched away the ones I cared about most for weeks on end.

The lights grew closer and I could soon make out the dark outlines of the crab fleet's many boats. I couldn't yet make out the one I had been waiting for, the proud Northwestern, but I knew that it was there, I could feel that they were close. I wasn't sure how long I'd been out in the cold but I could no longer feel my toes or my fingers.

I hadn't noticed the boat already tethered to the dock a few yards away, nor did I hear the approaching footsteps behind me. I jumped and whirled around when a hand was laid on my shoulder. Staring up at the figure before me, a small smile danced across my lips. "Hey", I muttered quietly. He didn't say anything as he wrapped his arms around my cold body. "I missed you," I whispered into his ear.

"So, what brings you out here on this icy cold night?" His arms tightened around me.

"The season lasted too long I couldn't wait for everyone to get back to Seattle." I leaned my head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent. "I figured it was easier to just fly up here. That way at least I'm here when they get off the boat."

"But you didn't come up here to see me did you, Lexi?" His eyes questioned me.

"I wanted to see you, I really did." I sighed as I realized just how much I wanted to see him. "You know how it is Crosby, I'm with Josh." I pulled away from him, my arms dropping down to my sides. "We can't Crosby. I can't."

He just shook his head, "I know you're not happy with him. Hell, Lex, you know you're not happy with him. Why are you doing this to yourself, to us?"

"I promised him, I can't back out on him now. Besides that, I'm not unhappy being with Josh." I glanced up at Crosby, trying to read the expression that crossed his weathered features. "I love Josh, always have."

"I get that, he's been there for you. But are you 'in love' with him?" He reached out for my hand but I moved it out of his reach.

"You should go. My dad is going to be here soon and you know that Josh's boat won't be too far behind." I wanted him to walk away, to make this easier on me, easier on both of us. He just stood there though, hands stuffed deep into his pockets, his eyes never leaving my face. "Crosby please," I begged, "this isn't easy for me. I don't want to hurt him."

"You know you're going to eventually have to make a choice." He simply stated.

I knew he was right it wasn't fair to either man.

I turned my attention back to towards the expansive sea, noticing that the lights had grown closer and I could now make out the Northwestern against the dark sky and sure enough the Cornelia Maria drove though the waters right alongside.

"Nothing changes between us." His voice broke through the still night air and I turned to look at him once again. "But I can't wait forever Lex, someday I won't be here waiting."

I watched him walk away from me, wanting so badly to go after him, to have him hold me in his strong embrace but knowing that it couldn't and probably wouldn't ever be that way. Standing alone once again on the dark pier made my thoughts wander at will. I had met Crosby a little over a year ago at a Discovery Channel sponsored event. I hadn't wanted to go, but through the eager encouragements of both my Uncle Edgar and Josh I had given in and joined them. Crosby had caught my eye right off, standing above most of the other deckhands and captains that mingled throughout the room. He would throw his head back as he laughed, the sound of it echoing throughout the entire expanse. I couldn't stop myself from staring, from watching his every move. I fought the urge to go over and talk to him, to make my presence known. I wanted to be included in whatever conversation he was having, I just wanted to be near him. He was infectious; he pulled at every single one of my senses. His own gaze had caught mine, his smile growing with every second. As he had made his way towards where I was sitting, knots in my stomach begin to grow. My heart had flip-flopped within my chest and my hands had started shaking. I had been so nervous, yet I wanted nothing more than for him to be near me. I hadn't felt this strongly about anyone and there I had been with someone else.

With the crab fleet being like a giant family, staying away from someone who was in the midst of it all was a very hard thing to accomplish. I tried to keep my distance from Crosby but the harder I tried the easier he seemed to reel me in. Crosby was right, I had to choose but how could I? How do you choose between the guy who has been with you through the good and the very bad, the guy you made a certain promise to and the one who had stolen your heart?


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm sorry that things are off to such a slow start. I promise once I get more of the details worked out, things will start to pick up. Just bear with me, and I will try to be as punctual as possible.**

I shook my head, trying to clear out the memories that plagued me with thoughts of Crosby. I wasn't going to let him get to me like that, I was with Josh and I was dedicated to that. I had been up front and honest with Crosby from the very beginning and at first he had backed off and given me space. However, it had only been for a short period of time. Crosby knew that I couldn't say no to him, a part of me needed him but he also knew that I couldn't let go of Josh. "He's just setting himself up to get hurt, I'm not leaving Josh and he knows it. It will be his fault if he gets hurt." I knew I was speaking to no one but the chilly night air and the smooth dark waters but I didn't care. I had to make myself believe that being with Josh was the right choice, for everyone.

The boats were close enough now that I could make out the faces of the crewman on their decks. The Northwestern was leading them all in and was the first to pull up to the docks. I was met with smiles from five of the men and even though I couldn't see him, a smile yet a look of disappointment from my father.

"Hey Kid." My Uncle Edgar yelled down at me from above. "I see you couldn't be patient."

"Well if you hadn't taken so long to finish up I wouldn't have to come up here and kick your ass." I stuck my tongue out at him as lines were tossed to the awaiting dock workers.

"You realize he ain't gonna be happy, right?" Edgar cocked his head to the side.

"I know, but I wasn't going to sit in that empty house any longer. If I was still at home I'd have to wait at least another day before you all got home." I placed both hands on my hips, letting the action punctuate my words.

"What are you doing here?" My dad's voice boomed through the night.

I just shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to shout a response at him. Edgar stood on the deck laughing, knowing that my father was happy, not angry, at seeing me waiting.

"You climbing up here to give me a hug or are you just gonna continue to stand there?" Edgar reached out a hand in my direction, motioning for me to come aboard the massive boat.

I took his hand, allowing him to help me over the slippery rail. Before my feet were even planted on the deck my arms were wrapped around Edgar's neck, hugging him tightly. "I missed you, so so so much."

Edgar held onto me until I loosened my grip, "I missed you too kiddo." He kissed my forehead before letting me go.

Norman, the middle and quietest out of the three brothers, wrapped his arms around my waist next, not saying anything but letting this simple, loving gesture speak volumes.

It was like a receiving line, as one by one, each of the remaining men hugged me hello, telling me how happy they were that I was there. I glanced up towards the wheelhouse knowing that my father was watching but waiting for me to finish. I broke away from Jake Anderson, smiling as I passed him to make my way into the galley of the boat. I swiftly climbed the steps towards my dad who was standing at the top waiting for me with open arms.

"You should have told me that you were going to be here, if I had called home and you hadn't answered," My dad took a deep breath, squeezing me even tighter. "Don't scare your old man like that Lexi, I don't exactly have the strongest heart."

I pulled away a bit, looking him squarely in the eye, "You would have just told me to sit at home and wait and I wasn't about to listen to you. Let's not forget that I've been blessed with the Hansen family stubbornness."

He placed a hand on my cheek, pushing the blond hairs that had fallen into my face back behind my ear. "You look more like your mother everyday and I swear you've grown since I left Seattle."

"I missed you too, old man." I kissed his rough cheek, "Boy, do you need a shave and a shower."

He playfully pushed me away, "Thanks Kid, that's exactly what I needed to hear from my beloved daughter. I'm surprised you're still on this boat, isn't there someone else you flew up here to meet."

I looked out the windows in front of me, seeing that the Cornelia Maria was safely tied to the dock. "You don't mind?"

He shook his head, letting go of me as I stepped around him and back out into the night air. Norman helped me off the boat and once my feet were on solid ground I took off running towards the man standing only yards away.

I practically knocked him down as I flung myself into his awaiting arms. My lips quickly finding his as words were not needed. He deepened the kiss, pulling me closer to him, his arms tightening their hold. After what felt like several minutes, I pulled away gasping for air. "I missed you, Josh Harris," was all I could squeak out.

His hands found their way to the back of my neck, pulling my face back towards his. "I missed you more," Were the words he spoke before capturing me in another passionate kiss.

"Hey it's my turn!" Were the words that so rudely interrupted us. I pulled away from Josh for a second to glance behind me, seeing Josh's younger brother Jake standing there, lips puckered and arms wide open.

I turned around, placing a small kiss of Jake's cheek before wrapping my arms around him, hugging his tightly. "That's all you're going to get from me."

"So not fair," He stamped his foot, pulling away from me slightly. "Josh gets a make out session and I get a peck on the cheek. Man do I need a girlfriend."

I couldn't help but laugh at him as his lower lip jutted out in a pout. "I think you'll survive little man, I'm sure you'll get your needs satisfied as soon as you get back home." A slight tug on my arm pulled my attention back towards the older of the Harris boys. I smiled as I faced him, "Can't stand not getting all the attention, can you?"

"There isn't any reason why I shouldn't be getting all the attention." He leaned in, placing a soft kiss on my lips once again. "So did you get bored being at home?"

He knew me too well, "yes," was all I needed to say.

* * *

The small airport was packed as crew members were eager to get home as quickly as possible. My dad had chartered a small aircraft to get his entire team home, so we were waiting around for the plane to prepare for takeoff. I was standing hand in hand with Josh, surrounded by the playful banter of Jake Anderson and Jake Harris, their crazy antics sending me into bouts of hysterical laughter. Crosby sat a few feet away, looking over at me every time he heard me laugh. On more than one occasion I caught these looks and I would give him a small smile and a slight shrug of my shoulders, letting him know that for now, this is how it was going to be.

Josh happened to catch me glancing over in Crosby's direction, the thought that I wanted to go say hello to a friend coming to his mind. He nudged me, "go say hello," gesturing in Crosby's direction.

Josh had never been the jealous type, so the fact that there could possibly be something more than friendship between myself and Crosby never crossed his mind. I shook my head, "No, I already waved hello to him."

Josh let go of my hand, turning me in Crosby's direction, "you don't just wave hello to someone you haven't seen in over two months." With that, he pushed me lightly.

I had no choice. If I put up too much of a fuss over refusing to say hello to Crosby, Josh would catch on to the fact that there was more than just a simple friendship between us. I held my head high; forcing myself to remain calm, the slightest indication that I was nervous would surely give me away. Crosby was watching me, that stupid grin on his face getting bigger with every step I took. I wanted to smack him; he was going to make this hard on me, to prove a point. I stopped at what I believed to be a safe distance, "Hey."

"Is that anyway to greet a friend, get over here." He must have heard Josh. Crosby stood up pulling me into his embrace, hugging me. "It's getting harder to play both sides, isn't it? His breath was warm on my neck as his words escaped his lips.

"This isn't fair." I stammered, trying to pull out of his strong arms.

"Lexi, you're the only one making this 'not fair'. This entire situation sits on your shoulders." He looked down, his eyes boring into me. "You know exactly what it is I want from you, you just need to know what it is you want."

I couldn't look him in the eye anymore; I looked down, nodding my head. "I should get back. Are you going home?"

He nodded, "I promised my mother that I would be home for Christmas this year. I don't know for how much longer after the holidays I'll be there, I may make my way towards Seattle." He winked at me, knowing what those words were doing to me.

"Call me when you get home, I want to know that you made it, okay." I pulled myself out of his arms, backing away from him.

He continued to watch me, nodding his head. "I'll call, I always do."

"I know." With one final look in his direction, I walked back towards Josh and my family.


	3. Chapter 3

**Because of something that was said on an episode of After The Catch and my sister's insistence that certain crew members would be better on certain boats, this story was born. I know that the possibilities of these things happening are nil to none, but this is a work of fiction and frankly I think it would be cool. Remember that I do not own anyone or anything to do with Deadliest Catch or Discovery but I do own Lexi and any of the fictional scenarios that occur within. **

January

"Come on dad, please let me go." I had been pleading with my father over the last half an hour for him to let me join his crew.

"Lexi I can't possibly let you go out there and get yourself hurt. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you." My dad held his defiant stance, not wanting to yield an inch in this argument.

"Ya know Sig it might not be such a bad idea to have her come aboard. It would be nice to not have to cook and besides, you'll know where she is at all times. You're always worried about how she's doing and whether or not she's safe. She sits here in Seattle, alone in this house for weeks on end and I think it would be good for both of you. " Edgar sat next to me at the kitchen table.

Sig shook his head, knowing that he was on the losing side, "I don't like it, and I want you both to know that."

"Dad, does this mean you're going to let me go?" I was sitting on the edge of my chair, not believing the words that were about to come out of my dad's mouth.

"I'm fighting a losing battle," Sig sighed. "I guess that in a way it would be better having you on the boat then here alone. There will be rules though and I expect you to follow them."

"I promise." I jumped from my chair running towards my dad. "Thank you so much daddy, you don't know how much this means to me." I hugged him tightly.

My dad hugged me back, "I just want you to know Lexi that this isn't a vacation. I expect you to pull your own weight, to help lessen the workload of the rest of the crew. You'll be in charge of the cooking and cleaning and anything else I decide to have you do. You've been around this business long enough to know how dangerous it is. You're going to have confine yourself to the galley and wheelhouse. I don't want you out on deck unless I give you the okay. I don't want to have to worry about you getting hurt on top of everything else I worry about. Also, you have to let things run as they would if you weren't there. That means you can't always be telling me what to eat, not to smoke, to limit my coffee intake. We do things the way I do them, is that clear?"

"Aye aye captain," I saluted him before sitting back down sat back down, glancing over at Edgar who was grinning from ear to ear.

My dad just shook his head, "You're a smart ass." Then pointing at Edgar said, "You realize that this is your fault, right?"

Edgar feigned surprise, "What are you talking about?"

"You cannot possibly tell me that you had nothing to do with putting this into her head. She hasn't asked to be on the boat in quite a while; I can't imagine why all of a sudden she now wants on." Sig pulled a cigarette from his pocket.

"Things have gotten better Sig, I wasn't sure that we'd ever get to this point again and I just think that leaving her alone maybe isn't the best idea. You need her around for your own sanity and she needs you more than she'll ever admit." Edgar leaned back in his chair keeping a close eye on his brother.

I watched my dad as he paced back and forth across the room. "Dad," he stopped, turning to look at me. "I've wanted to go out on the boat with you for a long time; I just figured that fishing was a way for you to escape everything you feel when you're home. I wanted you to be able to leave me here, knowing that I was safe and sound so you didn't have to worry. I wanted to be strong for you, for you to know that I was okay, that everything was okay."

"Oh Lexi," My dad made his way towards me, picking me up off the chair enveloping me. "Baby girl, I'm the parent, I'm the one who should have been strong. I never should have expected you to do that for me."

He held onto me for what seemed like an eternity. I kissed his cheek as he released me, "I never minded staying back too much, and it's just sometimes this house gets so quiet and lonely. With you and Edgar and Josh being gone, it just gets hard."

"I know and I'm sorry. From now on, we'll try different things. This time around you can come with but I'm not sure we'll be able to do that every time." He placed a hand on my head, "we're better than we were before, right?"

I nodded, "World's better dad. It should only get easier; we should be over the tough stuff."

"We'll take you shopping tomorrow get you some Bering Sea worthy clothes. I still can't believe I gave in to the two of you, you'll be the death of me yet." He opened the back door, stepping out onto the patio for a smoke.

Once the door had closed behind him, I turned towards Edgar, "you and I should always team up together when we want something out of him."

Edgar laughed, rubbing my head as he stood up to stretch his back. "If we do that every time, we really will be the death of him."

* * *

"So captains, do we understand how this is going to work?" Jeff Conroy asked the men sitting around the table. "It's a simple swap."

"So we each pick two full share deckhands to swap with two other boats? Am I getting this right?" Keith Colburn asked matter-of-factly.

Jeff nodded, "That's exactly it Keith. We're asking you to swap full shares and not greenhorns due to the transition being easier for the more experienced crew. The only criteria we're asking is for Josh Harris to go to the Time Bandit in a swap for Scott Hillstrand and that Jake Harris will be swapped with Jake Anderson from the Northwestern. This also doesn't have to be for the entire season, we're only asking you to switch your deckhands for at least one trip. I know that this will probably cause an inconvenience when it comes time to offload but we're asking that you at least try to make this work. We think that it will help in the show's ratings and will give the fans something that they've been looking forward to. We have had plenty of fan mail stating that some deckhands would be better suited on different boats."

"You're using a lot of 'we' in there Jeff but I'm still not so sure that 'we' think this is the best idea safety wise. Full share guys get very used to the way things are done on their boats, you put them on another one and it can be quite hard for them to adjust." Sig stamped out the cigarette in his hand, stating what was on the minds of the other captains.

Phil Harris sat next to Sig, "I'm good with putting my son on Sig's boat in order for Jake to get a taste of how things are done elsewhere but do we really need to swap the entire fleet."

Jeff sighed, he'd explained all of this to the captains weeks ago and as far as he had known they had all agreed to try it. Now that it came down to the actuality of it happening they all wanted to back out. "Guys, I'm only asking for one trip. If it doesn't work out then we'll call the entire thing off and we won't ever try something like this again. I really believe that it will be good for all involved, fans included."

Johnathan Hillstrand placed his drink back down on the table, glancing around at the men he'd worked with for years. "I said I was in and so I'm in."

One by one, the captains of the remaining three main boats made the decision to go along with the switch. Keith, captain of the Wizard, chose Crosby LeVeen and Travis Lofland as his two deck hands. Johnathan and Andy of the Time Bandit chose Johnathan's son Scott and Mike Fourtner. Phil Harris had no choice in who would be a part of the swap, his two sons Josh and Jake had been picked for him. Sig Hansen chose to swap Matt Bradley along with the already chosen Jake Anderson. With the deckhands decided on the captains fought to figure out who would go where.

"It's good that Josh is already going to the Time Bandit because he would be the one deckhand I would not want on my boat. No offense Phil but with my daughter on board it would be nothing but a distraction for the both of them." Sig patted his long time friend on the back.

Phil just nodded his head, "I can't believe she talked you into letting her tag along. You'll have enough issues having my other boy on your boat; he's a handful so you better let Edgar whip him into shape."

Keith sitting across the table just laughed, "Anyone working with Edgar would get whipped into shape and I'd take an Edgar on my boat any day."

All the captains roared at that, raising their glasses to a new season and new challenges.

* * *

"I'm going where?" Jake Anderson asked his beloved captain.

"You're headed over to the Cornelia Marie and we're getting their Jake in the swap." Sig didn't even bother to look up from the charts he was studying. "It will do you some good Junior and it'll give you a taste of how other men run their boats. If you hate it, then you only have to be gone for one trip but I'd like to see you do it for the whole season. And stop worrying, this doesn't mean that we're trying to get rid of you, it just means that I'm giving you a chance to grow as a deckhand. You'll always have a job on this boat."

"Where did this idea come from?" Jake prodded. "I can't believe that Lexi is gonna be on the boat and I have to leave."

"If you're that excited about my daughter being on board maybe it's a good thing that you're going elsewhere." Sig grinned to himself, watching the deckhand shift uncomfortably. "It was a Discovery thing; apparently they overheard something being said between Phil and myself about swapping you and Jake. They liked the idea and ran with it, only deciding to clue in the rest of us after they'd made their big decision. It will be fine Jake, you know everyone on Phil's boat already so it won't be that bad of a transition."

Jake didn't like the thought of not being on the Northwestern and he really wasn't sure if he'd like being on another boat but if he had to go along with it, being on the Cornelia Marie wouldn't be so bad. "And if I hate it I can come back after one trip?"

"Yes, but like I said, I'd like you to stay for the entire season. Give it a try Jake, learn from this experience. Now go get your stuff together and send Lexi up here if you see her." Sig scratched his head with pencil in his hand, perplexed with the charts in front of him.

* * *

I climbed the stairs to the wheelhouse, "You wanted to see me."

My dad turned his head in the direction of my voice, "yeah, Edgar has a list of things we're going to need from the store and I'd like you to go with him. Since you're in charge of the galley it would be good for you to know what it is that you'll have on board for the next two months."

"Okay," I turned to go but stopped short. "Dad, where's Jake going?"

At first I didn't think he heard me and I was about to ask again when he answered me. "He's headed over to Phil's. We're swapping the Jake's."

I was shocked, "What? Why?"

"Something the Discovery people came up with, I didn't have much say in the matter." He looked at me shrugging his shoulders. "It's not a big deal Lex, you like Phil's kid."

"Sure Jake's great but why can't we have Josh instead. That's the kid I like the best." I walked closer to my dad, forcing him to look at me and not his charts.

"Lexi I can't have Josh on this boat with you here. That is more of a liability then I want to deal with. He wouldn't be able to concentrate and I'd always be worried about which bunk he was sleeping in. Face it kid, you're a distraction."

I ignored this last comment, "So are the Jake's going to be switched for the entire season? I was looking forward to spending time with our Jake."

"I want Junior to be on Phil's boat for the season but I told him if he absolutely hated it I'd let him come back after one trip, so I guess we'll see. You've got stuff to do, what's done is done Lex, we can't change it now." He went back to his charts and I knew that the conversation was over, at least for the time being.

* * *

I was standing on the deck waiting for Edgar when I heard my name being shouted. I turned towards the sound and noticed Josh running in my direction. As he got closer the look on his face told me that something was upsetting him and I had a good idea as it what it was. "Hey." I leaned up and kissed him gently, "What's up?"

"This is bull shit!" Josh's eyes danced as the anger he felt grew.

"I know, I just found out about the whole swap thingy." I reached up to place a hand on his shoulder.

"Lexi I'm being sent over to the Time Bandit. I asked dad why I didn't get to choose where I went and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that it had already all been worked out and neither he nor I had a say in the matter." He took a deep breath to try and calm down. "This just isn't fair, ya know. You finally talk your dad into letting you come up here and who gets to be put on the Northwestern, oh yeah, that would be Jake."

"I tried to talk my dad into letting you come instead of your brother but he just said that I'd be a distraction and he refused to put you on the same boat as me." I stepped closer to Josh, wrapping my arms around him. "I don't like this any more than you do. I now have to deal with your brother for an entire season."

Josh smiled a little at that but was still very upset. "I told dad at first that I wouldn't do it, that it was bullshit and that I shouldn't be forced to change boats. He just told me that it would be good for me and that Johnathan specifically asked for me to be on his boat. I guess I should be flattered and not so upset. I'd be less upset if you weren't here and if Jake wasn't going to be on your boat."

I looked up at Josh, something coming to mind. "Who is switching with you and is it just four of you making the swap?"

"I'm switching with Scotty Hillstrand and as far as I know it's going to be 2 full shares from each boat. I'm not sure who the others are though." He was quiet for a few seconds, thinking back on whether or not his father had given him that information. "Wait, Mike Fourtner is going to the Wizard. Dad said something about Keith not making any swaps until after the first trip. I guess he wants to get a rhythm before he makes any changes."

My stomach instantly knotted at the name of Crosby's boat being said, "So two from each boat? I wonder who the others are going to be."

Josh just shrugged his shoulders, "I'm guessing your dad knows who they'll be, you're just gonna have to ask him."

I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see that Edgar had finally decided to be ready. "It's about time."

He ignored me as he walked by, motioning for me to follow him. I reached down and took Josh's hand in mine pulling him along after Edgar. I tried to push down the nervous feelings I was getting with the thoughts of whether Crosby would be one of the swapped deckhands and at the possibilities of where he might go. My dad knew Crosby and I were friends but that was the extent of his knowledge so he probably wouldn't be opposed to having him come aboard. He liked Crosby and knew he'd work well with the system and the speed of the Northwestern. If Crosby did get swapped to our boat, how in god's name would I manage to fight my feelings for him for an entire season?


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry that it took me so long to update, but work and life seemed to get in the way and this chapter was harder to write than I thought it would be. I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read this story and to everyone who took the time to read and review this story. This has been a labor of love and it's nice to know that people actually like it. Also, I welcome any suggestions, there are some parts that I still haven't worked out and any suggestion could spark an idea. **

I stood in the doorway of the wheelhouse, watching as the boys below placed the first pot of the season into the launcher. I had spent the last two hours with my father, keeping him company as he steamed towards the family fishing grounds. "How do you think Jake's going to do?" I shivered, stepping back inside the warmth, shutting the door behind me.

"I think that he'll do okay. Edgar said that the kid just needs to be worked a little harder than he's normally used to." My dad pulled a cigarette from the package in front of him, lighting it before looking over at me. "Wanna run downstairs and grab me a cup of coffee?"

"Wanna put that out?" I smirked.

"Lexi," his voiced warned me.

"Dad I'm kidding. Geez, lighten up old man you're cranky." I ribbed, disappearing down the stairs. The first thing I noticed was that they had drained the coffee pot. "Goodness, we might as well just hook them up to an I.V., it would make my job a lot easier." As I was waiting for the coffee to finish dripping, Jake went running through the galley, trailing water behind him. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Giant wave," I heard him yell from down the hall. "Got me and Edgar."

"You okay? I've got coffee." I yelled back at him.

"I'm fine and coffee would be great." He came out of his room a few minutes later decked in dry sweats and shirt. He was running a towel over his wet hair as he sat down at the galley table. I set a hot cup of coffee down in front of him, "Thanks."

I pulled the mop of the closest and quickly sopped up the water. "You might want to hurry Jake there isn't much patience out on that deck for slow deckhands."

"I'll get back out there in a minute, I'm just gonna finish my coffee." He sat back, acting like he was no hurry to be back out into the cold air.

The phone near where I was standing started to ring, "Yeah?"

"Send him back outside now and please bring me my coffee." My dad's annoyed voice rang in my ears. "If he's not out there in ten seconds he'll have me to contend with and I am not as nice as his father."

I hung up the phone looking in Jake's direction. "I suggest that you get out there now, or else Sig is going to be down here and you don't want that."

Jake must have heard my father yelling through the phone because he was on his feet as I was speaking. Without saying anything he left the galley, passing Edgar on his way out.

"It shouldn't take you that long to change your clothes, work on doing it faster next time." Edgar didn't even bother to look at him as he passed the tone of his voice enough to warn the newest member of the Northwestern. With Jake gone, Edgar turned to look at me. "You can't baby them Lexi, no matter how much you want to."

"Wait, how come this is my fault, all I did was give him a cup of coffee." I said in self-defense, "I told him to hurry."

"I'm not blaming you, I'm just letting you know for the futeure. Your father isn't exactly the most patient person and he runs this boat the way your grandfather ran this boat, hard and fast. You can spoil us by having coffee always in that pot and feeding us hot meals." He disappeared into his stateroom and I grabbed my dad's coffee and made my way defiantly up towards the wheelhouse.

* * *

All 200 pots had been set and the crew was in for a hot meal and a nap. I had spent extra time preparing this meal because I wanted to make a good impression. Everyone was seated around the table and I had just finished setting the last of the hot pots between them. "Eat up and don't kill me if it sucks." I slide in next to Norman reaching for the milk.

Matt swallowed, "It's nice to have a hot meal that I didn't have to cook and it's good."

"Thanks Matt, napkin?" I reached across the table towards him, stack of napkins in my hand.

"Your dad's right, you are a smart ass." He grabbed the napkins glaring at me.

"It runs in the family, I am related to Edgar after all," I smirked at him.

"She caught on quick too, had her driving her dad crazy as soon as she could talk. I was so proud." Edgar feigned wiping a tear from his eye before placing another fork full of food into his mouth.

Norman poked me in the ribs and I just giggled at both of my uncles. "Gotta say that it's a great family to be a part of, I don't think that I'd want it any other way." I poked Norman back which caused him to smile. "

"Who do you think I learned everything from?" Edgar said pointing at Norman, "He may be quiet but he's deadly and very devious." He winked at me and the laughter continued.

At this point in time my dad came down the steps and sat across from me. "Smelled too good for me to resist anymore and it looks good too." He piled his plate high, "I figure we have about five to seven hours before we make it back to the first string, so enjoy your time. Once we get to that first pot it's going to be a long haul. I want you guys to stay on your toes because there is a storm headed for the grounds and I want to get as much hauled in before we get hit."

The guys were tired, so dinner was pretty much a silent affair. When everyone had finished I cleaned the galley and put on another pot of coffee, someone had to stay up for watch and I didn't want them to run out of caffeine. I filled a mug and climbed the steep steps up to my dad, who was sitting in the dark watching the rising seas. He looked so tired, "Dad, do you want me to take the watch? You've been up an awfully long time."

He looked at me with half raised lids, "Come here Lex, let me remind you how all of this works."

After my dad was confident that I could handle a short watch, he left me alone in the quiet darkness. It was the first time in years I had been left alone in the wheelhouse and it brought back memories of happier times, times when my family was whole. I shook my head I wasn't going to rehash memories of past wounds, wounds I was trying so hard to heal. I focused on the black expanse that lay beyond and surrounded the boat. I found the seas comforting and mesmerizing and as I kept my eyes trained on the ocean I emptied my mind of all thoughts. It was relaxing to not think, to just sit back and let the world go by without you. I knew why my family loved it up here so much, it was addicting and once you'd gotten a taste for it you never wanted anything else.

I must have completely zoned out because I didn't hear Edgar come up behind me until he touched the back of the chair. "Go to bed Lexi, I've got it from here."

"You sure," I didn't want to move from the chair. I had curled up in it and had gotten quite comfortable.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I want you to get some sleep because you won't be doing much of it while we're out there working. Someone has to keep us fed and happy, besides that you'll be on Sig watch." He took my hand helping me uncurl.

"Sig watch? What's that?" I moved out of the way as Edgar slide into my now vacated seat.

"You're dad stresses too much and since you're here, you're going to keep an eye on him. Just make sure that health wise he's doing okay." Edgar was referring to an incident that we'd experienced between crab seasons. Driving home one night my dad had minor chest pains, which he thought could have been a slight heart attack. However, my dad being who he is didn't have it checked out until days later and after much pushing from Edgar and myself. The doctor didn't think that it was a heart attack but more possibly chest pains due to an ill diet and massive amounts of stress. "I'll come wake you in a couple hours, before the others get up."

I kissed the top of his head and headed downstairs towards my stateroom I shared with Edgar. As I stepped into the galley I spotted Jake standing next to the fridge, drinking something from a can. "Hey Jake, can't sleep?"

He nodded his head, closing the door and plunging us into darkness. "Different bunk, different boat. Takes some getting used to I guess. Honestly, I didn't think that this swap would be so difficult. Hey Lexi, how pissed off were you when you found out that I was coming aboard and not my brother?"

Leave it to Jake to go for the heart of the issue. "Pretty pissed off. No offense Jake but I would rather have had our Jake or your brother instead of you."

Through the dim lights that filtered into the galley I could see him smile. "Believe me, Josh about had my head when he found out I was coming here. I haven't seen him that upset about something in quite a while and I'm good at pissing him off. He was so mad at dad and so upset that something like this could come about and that no one thought to oppose it."

"I think plenty were against it but I don't think that there were enough against it. I didn't want it to happen either, I still don't. We're still going to end up swapping one more deckhand and it makes me nervous." I took the can out of Jake's hand, taking a small sip from it, not realizing the implications of my words.

Jake raised an eyebrow at me, "You nervous that Crosby might end up being the one we get?"

I almost spit the liquid back out at him, "What?"

"I'm not oblivious Lexi; I see the way you and Crosby are with each other. There is something more than friendship going on there. Don't worry, Josh doesn't know. I figured if something did happen you would at least have the heart to break up with him first." He yawned and I just stared at him dumbfounded.

"Is it that obvious?" I questioned.

He shrugged, "I don't know, maybe not. Either everyone knows and they just aren't saying anything because of Josh or no one knows and you're safe."

I sighed; I didn't understand how I could have been so naïve. Of course others would have noticed that I'm not that good at hiding my feelings or my emotions. "Great. Look Jake, nothing has happened between me and Crosby and I wouldn't do anything that would hurt Josh."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, I'm not the one you're dating and frankly you can do what you want. Honestly, I think you can do better than my brother but I get why you're with him, however, neither one of you seem to be very happy dating the other." He stood, yawning again.

"Why does everyone seem to think that we aren't happy together?" This was the second time someone had said something about my current state of happiness and I wanted to know what they saw.

"I get that things have changed, it only makes sense that a tragedy of that caliber would change a person's life but it's been four years and still when you're with Josh, it's like, I don't know, that you're living in the past and not working on moving forward. Maybe he's holding you back; maybe you're holding him back. I'm just saying and it's only an observation. I'm going to try and get a couple hours sleep. Just think about it Lexi." He stepped around me and disappeared into his stateroom.

Could Jake be right, could Josh be holding me in the past, was my clinging to him keeping me from healing, keeping me from moving on with my life. He'd promised me that he'd always be there for me, no matter what and I had promised that I would never break his heart again. Was it a stupid, childish promise made in a time of distress or a promise made to help heal a shattered soul? I was tired and I didn't want to think anymore. Whether or not Jake had been right could wait for another day, but I had a bad feeling that it would plague me for the reminder of the night.

* * *

I was back in the wheelhouse standing behind my father watching the crew as we approached our first pots of the season. The idea that Crosby could possibly end up on this boat had haunted me all night and I hadn't gotten much sleep. The thought of being stuck in a place with no escape from him made me very nervous. I knew that if I spent too much time around him I wouldn't be able to resist his charms but did I want to resist his charms. I had a wonderful boyfriend who cared and protected me, I didn't need a fantasy. Damn, what a fantasy it would be though. "Stop it Lexi."

I heard my dad's chair creak behind me, "You okay Lex?"

"Huh, what," I turned around to face him?

"You told yourself to stop, you doing something you're ashamed of?" His blue eyes danced with amusement at watching my cheeks start to turn a deep shade of red.

"I didn't say that out loud did I?" I was embarrassed.

"You did, what are you stopping yourself from doing?" He swiveled back around, his voice carrying a playful tone to it.

"I was just thinking, it wasn't anything of any importance." I turned my attention back to the crew on deck. "Dad?"

"Yeah Lex?" He didn't bother to turn around this time.

"Who is the guy that you're going to be swapping with Matt? It was a question I didn't want to ask but my curiosity had finally gotten the better of me.

"I'm not sure. Keith hasn't decided where his two full shares are going to be going and it won't be until after the first trip anyway. Why do you want to know? Is there someone in particular that you'd like to see come aboard?" The tone of his voice had a hint of teasing to it.

"No, the only one I would have picked to be on here isn't allowed but since I didn't get a choice or say in the matter I really don't care who we end up getting." I was lying and I hated myself for it but I wanted not to care.

My dad knew me well enough to know that my small protestation meant that I did want someone in particular on the boat with me. "First pot coming up," his voiced sounded to the crew below. "Edgar has someone performed you little ritual?"

"Nope, not yet but I was thinking that the new guy or maybe even Lexi should do it." Edgar looked up at me and grinned.

I started waving my arms widely, "No, no, no, no," I shouted through the glass down to my mischievous uncle.

"I think that we should have the new guy do it, it will do him some good." I breathed in deep as my father took my side. "Whoever does it, make it fast."

I cringed as Jake bit the head off of a frozen herring. "I'm sorry dad but that is so disgusting."

"Part of fishing kiddo, I don't know what you expect. Keep your fingers crossed; we'll need all the luck we can get that this pot has something good in it." My dad turned around as Edgar threw that hook. "Good he didn't miss I hate it when he misses the first throw of the season."

My fingers were crossed and I was praying with everything in me that my dad had found the crab. The faster he got on the crab, the faster we could fill the boat and meet our quota and the faster we could go home. The pot slowly came up over the rail and from what I could see from my position high above the deck it looked good. As Edgar dragged it over the rail the hoots and hollers from the crewmen could be heard in the wheelhouse. "Dad you've found them, you've found them."

"Don't be counting those chickens too fast Lex, there is always the chance that the next pot will be a blank." I heard him knock on wood. "Looks to me like it's going to be a long day entering into a long night, you might want to go down and fix the guys something to eat and could you get me some more coffee." He held his coffee cup out towards me.

I smiled as I shook my head, "You just love having someone to baby you, don't you?"

He grinned at me as I disappeared down below into the galley.

I was out of ear shot when the radio beeped, "Northwestern, Sig, this is Keith from the Wizard do you copy?"

"This is Sig, what's up Keith?" My dad kept a close eye on the buoys in front of him and on the guys behind him.

"I just had a chat with my deckhand, Crosby and well, it seems that he is showing some interest in swapping onto your boat. I just wanted to know if that was okay with you or if you had any objections." Keith's voice cut out a bit as static plagued the communication.

"I don't have any issue with it at all. Crosby's a good man and a hell of a deck hand, I'd be glad to have him aboard. When do you want to make the switch?" My dad was giddy at the thought of getting a deckhand like Crosby.

"I'll let you know when I'm headed into St. Paul, shouldn't be more than three or four days, five at the max." Keith sounded a bit unsure and my father just sat there shaking his head.

"We'll try to keep to that schedule, looking forward to hearing from you again. Good luck Keith." Sig sighed deeply, hanging the radio back up on its hook. He glanced down at the monitor near his legs just in time to see another full pot being hauled over the rail. He knew that if they continued to haul full pots he'd have this boat plugged in 48 hours. He was not going to be happy if he had to wait around for two extra days in the harbor just for Keith to show up. Stupid swap be damned, if he had to he'd trade with the Time Bandit and Keith could keep his deckhands.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you again for all of the wonderful reviews and thanks to the ones that offered me suggestions. I've already used one of them and I think that it does add another layer to the story. **

The crew had worked for almost 48 hours straight with only a small break for food consumption. My dad had found the crab and had managed to stay on top of the migrating crustaceans, filling the boat almost to capacity. We were eight hours into a twelve hour run to St. Paul Island to off-load so we could head back out and do it all over again. Edgar was on wheel watch and I was sitting up with him to keep him company and to try to keep my restless mind at ease.

Edgar turned to look at me, a frown forming on his lips. "What's on your mind kid?"

I pulled my gaze away from the rolling waves to look at him, "Nothing or at least I wish it was nothing."

"I ask again, what's on your mind?" He shook his head, his eyes staying on my darkened form.

I was quiet, thinking about all the answers to that simple question. "Do you think I'm different?"

"Different how," He gazed ahead of him.

"Different, I guess, in the fact that I don't seem happy anymore?" The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"You aren't happy Lex?" He looked at me again.

"I don't know. I mean, I there are times when I don't feel happy, but I guess I just feel indifferent, like I'm on automatic pilot." I closed my eyes, leaning back against my chair.

Edgar studied me for a few minutes, "Lexi, no one every expected you to bounce back quickly. No one ever thought you'd heal fast and get back to your normal life. I think we all knew that it would be different, that nothing could ever go back to exactly how it was before." He took a deep breath, "However, no one expects you to mourn forever and no one will be shocked if you finally decide to move on with your life."

I could feel the tears starting to build up but I forced them back. "I'm scared and not just a little scared but like I'm afraid to move or else everything will fall apart."

Edgar couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew that I had been in a fragile state since the accident but he had no idea that it had affected me like this. "What are you scared of?"

"Of forgetting about them, of losing everything I had before, of not getting better, and of feeling like the harder I hold on the more it all slips out from under me." I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and they started to slowly trail down my cheeks. Edgar came over to me and wrapped his arms around my body, letting me cry. He rubbed my back, doing his best to comfort me. We stayed like that for several minutes until my tears began to subside. "I'm okay," My muffled voice sounded from the folds of Edgar's sweater.

He pulled away, looking down into my reddened eyes. "Lexi I know it's hard and I know it hurts but I promise you it will end up getting better, it has too." He moved back over to his chair once he figured I was. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

I didn't say anything I just nodded my head.

"Are you with Josh because you want to be with him or are you with him because he was a part of your life before?"I could tell that Edgar was nervous about asking me this.

I wasn't sure I wanted him to know the truth but at the same time I wasn't sure I wanted to keep it to myself anymore. I took a deep breath and sighed, "I guess it's a little of both but," I stopped, not knowing if I should continue.

Edgar let the silence hang in the air for a few seconds, "But?"

I took another deep breath, keeping my eyes focused on the ocean ahead of me. "I sort of promised him that I would be with him."

Edgar shook his head in confusion, "You promised him what?"

"I broke up with Josh two days before the accident. I wanted to date other people and so I told him that we would be better off as friends. We'd had such a rocky relationship up to that point and I think we were off more than we were on and I saw no point in continuing what we were doing, so I ended it. Then everything happened and he was there, he never left my side and he was so patient and loving and I was so grateful for having him there that I promised him that when I got better we'd give it another go, a serious one and I promised never to break his heart." I paused for a few minutes, "I do love him, very much but I'm just not sure that I'm in love with him."

Edgar wasn't sure how to take this newly learned information but he did know something, that his niece was holding herself back and that this needed to be changed and the sooner the better.

I watched Edgar intently, the look on his face concerning me slightly. He was thinking and I wasn't sure that I wanted him to do that, I didn't want him to worry about me and I didn't want him to tell my dad anything that I'd said. I heard footsteps and my attention was quickly drawn away from Edgar and unto the approaching person.

My dad's head emerged from the stairwell, "What are you doing up?" A concerned look crossed his face.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I couldn't sleep."

"You've been not sleeping a lot this trip. I don't like it Lex, you need to sleep." He moved behind me, reaching up into the cabinet above his head. Pulling out a small bottle and tipping two pills from it, he handed them to me. "Here take these and go to bed. We'll be in St. Paul in a few hours and I want you to get as much rest as possible."

I just nodded my head, "Good night." I disappeared down the stairs.

Sig looked over at Edgar, "Any idea why she's not sleeping?"

"I have somewhat of an idea but I think that it's something she needs to work out herself. I think, maybe we've been too protective of her. She's shut herself off from the world Sig, and that scares me." Edgar stood up, moving out of the way so Sig could take the captain's chair. Sig didn't say anything for quite some time and Edgar figured he wanted to be left alone with his thoughts. As he turned to leave, he heard Sig clear his throat.

"Edgar, do you think that she'll end up being okay?" Worry lacing his voice, Sig asked the question that had been plaguing him for a long time.

"Yeah, I think that she'll be just fine. She's strong and she's a fighter. She just needs to understand that in order to get better she needs to move forward." Edgar leaned over the stairwell, staring at Sig. "I also think that maybe we both need to back off and give her a chance to discover those things. With us hovering and protecting her, she just stays hidden in her shell and she has no reason to come out." He watched as Sig nodded his head before making his way downstairs.

Left alone, Sig couldn't help but think about his little girl and the person she'd grown into. Before, she had been so vibrant, so lively but since the accident she had become so quiet and preferred to be in the shadows and the background. He worried about her all the time, wanting and wishing that he could take away all the bad and go back to a happier time for the both of them. Maybe Edgar was right, maybe it was time to let her figure things out on her own.

* * *

I could feel someone next to me and that someone was slowly stroking my arm. I forced my eyes to open, only to be greeted by a familiar face. I smiled and leaned in closer, "Hi."

Josh snaked his arms around me, pulling me towards him. "Hi back. How was your nap?"

"My father drugged me, so it was a nice, pleasant, drugged induced sleep. What are you doing here or is this all just a dream?" I breathed in. He smelled like soap and aftershave.

"We're off-loading down the dock from you and no, this isn't a dream. If it were, that would be one vivid dream." His fingers trailed up my arm.

"How long did I sleep?" I closed my eyes, relying on my other senses.

"Edgar said that you've been asleep for about six hours. You must have been tired." His fingers softly worked their way down my jaw line.

"I haven't been sleeping but it isn't from lack of trying. I just can't seem to shut my brain off. Being out here is wrecking havoc on my memories and they aren't the memories I want to be dredging up." I tried to move even closer to him, putting myself into his bubble of comfort and protection.

"Do I dare ask which memories, or should I already know the answer to that question?" His fingers gently ran through my hair.

"You know the answer. I'm tired of thinking about it Josh, I want to stop being sad, I want to stop hurting." I buried my head into chest.

"I know you do and it will eventually stop. Give it time Lex." His hand moved down to my back, rubbing small circles.

"I know, I know. I don't want to talk about it anymore. How is the Time Bandit?" I kept my head where it was, listening to his heart beat.

"It's good. Johnathan and company is one crazy bunch but they're great crabbers and I'm having a blast. I never really considered going to another boat but I'm glad that I'm getting this opportunity. I think in a way I fit in better with them than I do with my own boat and with my own crew. I'd never tell my dad that though or he'll get crazy ideas into his head. How have things been on here? My little brother drive you nuts yet?" His hand found mine, lacing our fingers together.

I smiled, "Not yet, but it's still early in the season, give the boy time." I pulled away, looking up into Josh's brown eyes. "I'm sure that I'll want to throw him overboard in no time and if I don't accomplish that, then Edgar will." Josh laughed and my heart ached. Things were on the verge of changing and I didn't want to lose that laugh or the feel of him lying next to me. I pushed the pangs of sadness down and smiled at him. "The Wizard hasn't made it to port have they?"

He shook his head, "Not that I noticed, why?"

"We're swapping Matt with one of the Wizard deckhands." I tried to sound nonchalant.

"Crosby's on the Wizard, maybe you'll get him. Are you bunking with Edgar?" Josh asked.

I looked at him, bewildered. I was freaking out about Crosby and Josh was hoping that he'd end up on the boat with me. What the hell? "Yeah, I'm bunking with Edgar. Why do you ask?"

"I was just being curious, that's all." I felt him relax next to me.

"Matt, get your stuff together now, the Wizard's here and we'll be making that swap." My dad's voice echoed throughout the entire galley, drifting into my stateroom.

My stomach immediately tightened up and I felt like I was going to be sick. It was the moment I had been dreading and the moment I had been waiting for. I hated myself and I hated this internal struggle. Here I was, lying next to Josh, and all I could think about was Crosby. Ugh, why did this have to be so hard and why did I have to be stuck into between two men. Maybe I only wanted Crosby because he seemed so new and so exciting. Maybe that would all go away once we were on the same boat together and I got to know him better. Maybe I would no longer have to make a choice and I could keep my life how it was, nice and safe. I didn't need a change and I didn't need any excitement. Maybe it would only make things harder and maybe it would make my internal battle rage on. Stop, stop, stop, I silently yelled at myself. I moved to sit up and Josh climbed out of my bunk. He waited for me to stand alongside him before we both made our way towards the deck. I hesitated before opening the door, allowing the sunlight to flood the small room. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness, I could make out figures standing around. Next to my father and uncle stood the one figure I didn't want to see but wanted more than anything to see. Laughing at something my dad said, his eyes caught mine and his grin increased exposing all of his teeth. Why, oh why? I was so doomed!

My dad caught sight of me, "Lex, you're awake. Look who we get for the rest of the season." He patted Crosby on the back.

I waved, "Hey."

Josh extended his hand towards Crosby in a friendly gesture. "Good to see ya man."

Crosby shook his hand, "You along for the ride as well?"

Josh shook his head, "No, I just came aboard to see Lexi for a minute. I actually should be getting back." He turned back towards me, leaning in to kiss me goodbye. "Take good care of her." He walked towards the rails, looking back at me, "Bye Lex and you'll be okay."

I smiled a little bit, "Bye Josh." I didn't want to see him leave and I didn't want him to leave me alone with Crosby for the rest of the season.

Seeing the look on my face, Crosby turned around to look at Josh, "Don't worry man, she's in good hands."

Damn him. I frowned and shook my head. A moment of brilliance flashed into my mind and I quickly crossed the deck to Josh before he made his way over the rail. He stood there looking at me and I reached up, placing my hands on either side of his face and pulling him toward me. I pressed my lips against his; putting everything I had into the kiss. However, the kiss was a façade, a way for me to get at Crosby the way he always gets at me but as I pulled away from Josh the look in his eyes nearly stopped my heart. Josh knew. He had known what had been behind or hadn't been behind that kiss. He didn't say anything, just continued climbing over the rail. I watched him retreat back to the Time Bandit and I wanted to kick myself. His shoulders were a bit slumped and I knew I had hurt him. I spun around and glared at Crosby, "You need to just stop and leave me alone." I stomped past the three bewildered me and back into the depths of the ship.

My dad looked at Edgar and then back at Crosby, "What in the hell was that all about?"

Edgar stayed quiet, letting Crosby answer the captain. "I've been giving her a hard time and I guess I went a little far." Crosby shrugged his shoulders, picking up his bag. "Where should I put my stuff Sig?"

"Oh, um, Lexi is inside, she can show you which stateroom and bunk is yours. Edgar, what was the weight of that last brailer?" Sig's took the clipboard from Edgar and Crosby took that as his cue to leave.

* * *

I was sitting at the table, trying to keep the tears at bay when I heard him walk into the galley. "What do you want to do to me now?" I was upset with myself and didn't care at the moment if I took my bad mood out on him.

"Your dad wanted you to show me where to stick my stuff." He moved closer to me.

I was having a hard time not looking up at him. "Second door on the left, top bunk," He breezed past me, disappearing into the stateroom.

"Lexi can you come here for a second," Crosby's voice drifted out of the room towards me.

I sighed, pushing myself up from the sitting position. I walked down the short hallway, popping my head through the doorway. "What?"

He motioned for me to come into the room, "Come here."

I gave in and moved closer to him. His arms extended out towards me and I let myself be pulled in. I loved the feeling of being wrapped into his strong arms and the feeling of my body pressed up against his.

He moved his lips near my ear, "I'm sorry Lex, I should have just let it go."

I pulled away to look up at him, "I should have just ignored it but I didn't and now I think I've screwed up, big time."

He shook his head, "I'm pretty sure that Josh will get over it." He started to grin, "However, he's not here and I've got you all to myself."

I stepped back, shaking my head. "You just can't help yourself, can you?"

"Nope, not when it comes to you and you should know that I don't give up that easy either." He grinned that grin of his, exposing all of his teeth.

I didn't say anything, just turned around and walked out.

* * *

Crosby stood next to Nick, both of them leaning over the rail watching the horizon. Crosby had so many questions running through is mind; questions that he knew wouldn't be answered by Lexi or any member of her family. However, he figured that he might be able to get some answers out of the man standing next to him. Taking a long pull from the cigarette he held between his fingers, he turned to face Nick. "Can I ask you something personal about Lexi?"

Nick hesitated, "I don't know Crosby. The Hansen's are a private bunch and I'm not sure I'm the right person to be asking."

"I realize that asking you is a big thing but believe me I've tried going to source. Edgar just brushed me off, telling me that he couldn't and wouldn't talk about it. I don't dare ask Sig and well I'm not sure Norman would tell me either. He isn't exactly the biggest conversationalist. Frankly man, you're my only hope. I just want to know what makes that girl tick." Crosby hoped that the older man standing next to him would tell him something.

"I'm assuming that you've heard something about the accident." Nick said after a few long seconds of silence. He watched as Crosby nodded his head, so he continued. "About four years ago Lexi, her mother and her younger sister were driving home one night, Lexi was in the backseat, her mom was driving and her sister sat in the front. From what I know, they were about five miles from home when a drunk driver crossed over into their lane, hitting them head on. Lexi's mom and sister were killed instantly and Lexi was left severely mangled. She woke up in the hospital three days later, not remembering a thing about the accident and having no clue what had happened to her mom and sister. Seeing that girls face when the doctor told her, that was probably one of the most difficult moments of my life. She ended up having two broken legs, a broken pelvis, and a shattered elbow. She spent about three months in the hospital and another year in rehab trying to recover. It almost killed her family, Sig and Edgar almost gave up fishing because they were too afraid to leave her alone and I've never seen Sig so lost and so sad. Every time I'd see him, he'd look like he was on the verge of losing it." Nick stopped to take a few deep breaths and to light a cigarette. "The family tried so hard to keep it together but certain members failed miserably. Did you know that Lexi has a brother?" Nick watched as Crosby shook his head, "Not many people remember him. He freaked out and ran off to join the Navy, he just couldn't handle being around his broken family. None of the Hansen's have heard from him in almost four years." Nick stopped again and was silent for a long time. "She's not the same, ya know. She's almost the complete opposite of who she once was."

Crosby had to ask, "What was she like before?"

Nick laughed, "Crazy! That girl knew how to have a good time and she enjoyed life. She was so happy, well at least most of the time."

"Why only most of the time," Crosby was intrigued and so much was making sense.

"She was never very happy when she was with Josh. If you ask me, he was never good enough for her and he still isn't. Honestly, I think he's one of the reasons why she's still so closed off, it almost seems like he's keeping her that way on purpose. Like, if she stays this way, she'll stay with him but if she gets better she'll come to her senses." Nick heard movement behind him and both men turned quickly.

My dad had given me permission to venture out on deck. The weather was nice and since we hadn't made it that far outside of St. Paul Island, the seas were relatively calm. I saw the two figures standing near the aft of the ship and started walking towards them. As I got closer I could hear them talking and once I was within earshot I couldn't help myself from becoming angry. "Nick, how could you?"

"Lexi, I didn't mean anything by it. He wanted to know." Nick backtracked, pointing in Crosby's direction.

My angry stare moved to the man standing next to Nick. "Stop Crosby, just stop. If you wanted to know about my life, you should have asked me. I don't need you digging into my history and I don't need you." Tears started to come to my eyes, "Why can't you just leave the past alone, why do you need to dig up all the ugly, black stuff." I was crying so hard I couldn't speak anymore, so I retreated, leaving the two men standing alone on the icy cold deck.


	6. Chapter 6

**I do apologize for the time that it has taken me to get this chapter posted. I had a very crazy week at work and it left me very little time to write. I also regret that it will probably take me some time to get the next chapter up due to the fact that there are a few things I have yet to work out within my story line. I want to end this story well, so I refuse to rush it and allow it to become crap. Thank you everyone for reading it and for all of your great reviews. **

A crab boat isn't the most ideal place in the world to try and avoid someone and I was trying to avoid two. After Nick told Crosby my life story, I really wanted nothing to do with either of them. I had done a fairly good job over the last 24 hours but again a crab boat is not an ideal location to avoid someone. We were on a run to a string further west and after serving lunch and cleaning the galley I headed up to the wheelhouse to see if my dad needed anything. As the windows came into view I noticed Nick sitting in my usually occupied chair. I wanted to turn back around and run to my stateroom to hide but my dad saw me before I could make that move.

"You can't continue to ignore Nick and Crosby; you've got to face them both sooner or later." My dad glanced over at me, forcing me to get off the stairs.

I looked at Nick, damn, I couldn't stay mad at him. "I know, however, this doesn't mean that I'm not still upset."

Nick took the opportunity to explain. "Lexi, I swear I didn't mean anything by it. Neither of us meant any harm, you know I wouldn't do that to you."

I knew that Nick was right, "But why did he want to know, why would he even care?"

Nick exchanged a glance with my father, "Lexi that kid cares about you, a lot. He just wants to understand, that's all. You and your family aren't the easiest people to get to know, you especially don't let people in and that makes it very difficult for others to understand who you are."

"He shouldn't want to care and he shouldn't want to get to know me. I can't let him in, if I do," I stopped.

My dad knew what was running through my mind and it really bothered him, "Lex you can't just keep people out of your life because you're afraid that you might lose them or that they might hurt you. People in our lives come and go, that's just how it is. You have to stop keeping them out because you're scared."

I looked down at my feet, "It's not that easy."

"Of course it isn't easy but that never seemed to stop you before. You had so many friends at one time and I know that a part of you wants to get back to the way you were." My dad wouldn't take his eyes off of me, the worry he felt growing stronger.

I looked up, glancing straight ahead of me at the rolling waves. "I want to be that person again but I'm not sure I know how. I know that something has to change, but what?"

"How about that boyfriend of yours," Nick scoffed.

I looked at him, "What has Josh got to do with it?"

"Don't get me wrong but I think that Josh is happy keeping you two in the state that you're in. Weren't you guys on the fritz right before the accident?" Nick looked at me, "It just seems strange that you go from not wanting to be with him to not wanting to leave his side."

I listened carefully to Nick's words, these were things I had asked myself but I was convinced that being with Josh was the right thing. Josh had been there for me, even when I was at my worst and I was comfortable with my relationship with him. Maybe that was the problem; maybe I had become too comfortable with my middle of the road life. "It was my decision to start dating Josh again and I don't regret that decision. I don't think that Josh is holding me back, I just think that Josh is letting me find my own way."

"Is he though," My dad's voice brought me out of my thoughts. "Is he really not holding you back, because I think that he might be and I don't think that he means to."

This was all a little more then I wanted to handle, "I don't know dad." I slowly started making my way backwards down the steep steps, "Umm, I'm going to try and get some sleep. Will you wake me up in time to fix dinner?"I saw my dad nod and I turned around to enter the galley. Crosby was sitting at the table and his eyes were on me as I came into view. "I can't Crosby, not right now."

"Wait Lexi, I just want to explain." He stood in way, making it impossible for me to get to my bunk.

"There isn't anything you can say." I looked down at the ground, "Please move."

"I wouldn't do anything to hurt you and you know that. I just didn't understand and I wanted to understand so badly. I've been trying for over a year to get you to let me in, to let me see the real Lexi but you keep refusing. Every time I think I might be cracking that shell of yours, you run and hide behind Josh. That's another thing, why are you with him? That I'm never going to understand. He's a cool guy and all but he does not seem like the kind of guy you'd choose to be with." Crosby stopped when I turned to face him.

"And just what kind of guy am I supposed to be with? You seem to be an expert on the type of guy I should date and I'm guessing that you fit that exact mold." I was starting to get angry and I took a step closer to him.

Crosby held his ground, "You need to be with the type of guy who isn't going to just sit back and be happy with watching his girlfriend live a mediocre life. You need the type of guy who's going to help you realize that in order to heal you need to move forward, not keep your life on pause. You deserve to be with a guy who is going to make you happy, not just someone you feel safe and comfortable with. You need to be with a guy who understands that it's okay to be scared but that you can't let that fear control what decisions you make in life."

I couldn't keep the tears from falling and I couldn't look Crosby in the eye. He was still blocking the hallway and so I was stuck standing in front of him. He reached forward to pull me into a hug but I shied away. "I get what you're trying to do but I can't deal with it right now. Can you please just let me go to my bunk?" He moved, allowing me to pass and I disappeared into my stateroom, closing the door behind me.

Edgar came up behind Crosby, having witnessed the last few seconds of our exchange. "She'll be okay Crosby you just need to give her a little bit of space."

Crosby's gaze stayed on the closed door, "Are you sure? I think that I've pushed too much, I'm afraid that I might have screwed up."

Edgar patted the younger mans back, "She wouldn't be fighting you this hard if she wasn't afraid that you were getting to her. You're pushing just the right amount and I think you should keep doing it. There are too many people in her life, Sig and I included, that have gotten too used to the way we act around her. Honestly, you are the thing that this entire family needs and I hope that you don't give up on her."

Crosby watched Edgar head up to the wheelhouse and thought about what he had said. He was now more determined to get through to Lexi, even if it meant that she chose to be with someone else. He needed her to hear him and he needed her to help herself.

In the gear room, unbeknownst to everyone, stood Jake. He had overheard the conversation between Lexi and Crosby. He might have guessed that there was something going on between the two of them but he never would have known the extent of the something. He, himself would admit to the fact that Lexi and Josh weren't the most perfect couple, but Josh was still his brother and he needed to know that he was losing his girlfriend to someone else.

* * *

Our second trip of the season wasn't going quite as well as the first one had. The crab were being illusive and my dad was having a harder time finding where they might be hiding. We had stacked 80 pots and were headed to a new location north east to try and gamble near the ice. I had spent an hour trying to sleep but with little success so I had taken over for my dad and was currently curled up in the captain's chair on wheel watch duty. I liked the wheelhouse, it was quiet and I could think without having others throw their thoughts and opinions at me. I had come to the conclusion that coming out this season had been a bit of a mistake. After everything that had gone on, I would have been much happier back in Seattle in an empty house with fewer questions to answer. Truthfully though, as much as I hated the questions being thrown in my direction, it was about time that I figured out their answers. Four years had gone by since that fateful night and I was still living my life in a glass house, afraid to throw any stones or disrupt the balance I had created. Crosby, however, was that dreadful stone that threatened to shatter my world and I wasn't sure if I could handle the kind of changes that were flying in my direction. He meant well, I knew he did, but I wished he could understand how hard it was for me to step out of my comfort zone, to learn to live a normal life again. I was so accustomed to the structure that I had created for my life and I was satisfied with keeping myself sheltered and away from all the dangers of life. The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't so sure I liked my life the way it was. I was just used to it because I knew it was safe and I knew the people in my life were predicable, so I was in no fear of having to deal with the unexpected. I had completely spaced out when I felt a hand on my shoulder, causing me to yelp out in shock.

I heard male laughter, "I'm so sorry, I thought you heard me."

I didn't even bother turning around, knowing that it was Crosby standing behind me. "God, you have a way of doing that to me every time don't you. It's okay though, I was just zoning out." A cup of coffee came into view and I accepted it. "Thank you."

His laughter didn't subside, "You're welcome. Would you like some company?" He continued to stand next to me and it was beginning to wreck havoc on my emotions.

"Sure." I didn't trust myself or my voice around him.

He leaned against the counter near my chair and stared out the same window I had been looking out of. "So I hear you were once quite crazy in your antics."

I looked over at him, a small smile slowing forming on my lips. "I wouldn't say I was crazy, I just liked to have a good time. I enjoyed being around large groups of people, going to the movies or out for coffee. I had fun being social and meeting new people. I liked going to the bar and I liked to party, nothing really crazy about that right?"

His eyes didn't stray from the widows, "Nope, not too crazy. Can I ask what the craziest thing you ever did was?"

I shook my head, "I did the whole spring break thing once. Josh and I and some friends went to Miami and spent the week too drunk to really remember anything that happened. I did go parasailing while we were there and that was fun."

I watched as he started to smile, "Spring break huh? So the whole three-way kisses and naked body shots on the bar. Was it that kind of spring break? I'm guessing you wore a bikini the entire time too, am I right?"

I swatted at his knee, "Nothing like that. It was just friends having a good time in a nice warm location. There may have been naked body shots though, but no three-way kisses. Women just aren't as much fun to kiss as men."

He looked down at me, "You said nothing about the bikini part."

"It was the beach Crosby, what do you think I was wearing, a parka." I rolled my eyes at him.

"I was just making sure I had the right mental image, I wouldn't want to be inaccurate." He looked back out the window, "Can I ask you something and hopefully you won't get mad at me."

"I guess I'd rather have you ask me, then go to someone else for information." I kept my eyes on him, studying his body language. He was nervous about asking but I had a feeling it was more because of the reaction he was thinking I would give and not so much because of the question he was going to ask.

"I sort of understand why, in the beginning, you felt like you needed to be with Josh but why have you stayed with him for so long. I'm not the only one who's aware of the fact that he doesn't make you happy." He took a few deep breaths before moving his head in my direction.

I just stared at him, not breaking eye contact, "To be honest, I'm not sure why we're still together other than the fact that it's easier to stay with him then it is to try and find someone that might make me happier and because I promised him that I'd stay with him."

A confused look crossed Crosby's features, "Why would you promise him something like that? You don't promise to stay with someone who you don't really want to be with."

I broke eye contact, looking back out to the sea. "I wanted to be with him when the promise was made. Josh was my saving grace in a way, he was strong for me and my family and without him I would never have made it through rehab. He kept me going when I wanted to quit and he convinced my dad and uncles to not give up fishing, instead he stayed back with me for king crab season. I never asked anything of him but he gave me everything. I feel so ungrateful now for doubting our relationship and for feeling like we're growing apart. I know that in our case we thrived because I needed him, I needed someone to be strong for me so I could be strong for everyone else. I don't really need that now and I know that it's hurting us. I want to still be in love with Josh, I really do, but I'm afraid that my heart isn't in it anymore, not the way it should be. You are to blame for that, by the way."

He pretended to be surprised, "Me?"

I laughed, "Yes. You had to be so happy and so out-going and so full of life, I couldn't resist you. You know that. You have a way of drawing people to you, in a good way. The best thing is, you have a way of making people feel safe and I think that's what makes me like you the most."

"Man and I was hoping it was my charming personality and killer smile." He placed a hand on my shoulder, the look in his eyes making the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.

"Those things help too." I got up from my chair, moving around it so that I was standing in front of Crosby. He placed a hand on each of my arms, gently pulling me towards him. I knew what was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it and I didn't want to stop it. I leaned in, our lips barely touching. He moved first, pressing his lips against mine. My arms wrapped around his neck, deepening the pressure. I'm not sure how long we stayed that way but I was breathless when I finally pulled away from him. There was a hungry look in his eyes and I wanted to give in and let him have me but I knew that we'd already crossed enough of the line, so I backed up a little bit.

He kept his eyes on me, "You okay?"

I stood just within arm's length of him, my leg barely touching his. "I'm fine." I smiled at him. "I just feel bad, I am still with Josh."

"I know you are but that kiss was a long time coming." He reached down to take my hand, softly holding it in his rough one. "I'm not saying that you and I need to be together but I am saying that you need to make a huge change in your life and I think you know what that change needs to be."

I leaned against the captain's chair, looking at our hands intertwined. "I know but it's going to hurt him and I don't want to hurt him."

"It may not hurt him as much as you think it will. Josh cares about you and I know that he wants to see you happy. Whether that's with him or with someone else or just on your own, he wants you to be the person you once were. I'm sure he hates seeing you like this as much as everyone else in your life does." Crosby slide off the counter, taking me in his arms. "Be that person again Lexi, it's time for you to come out of your shell, it's time for you to start living life again."


	7. Chapter 7

**So the writing bug bit me hard and I managed to write another chapter and work out all the little details for the ending that I had previously been struggling with. Thank you again for taking the time to read this story and for liking it and for all of the wonderful reviews. **

Our second trip had finally come to an end and we were on our way to St. Paul to unload for the second time this season. The weather wasn't being very nice and the crew had been out knocking ice off the boat for the last few hours. I was upstairs in my usual spot keeping an eye on the churning sea. The book I had been reading was lying open on the counter in front of me but instead of picking it up to continue, I looked across the wheelhouse at my father. His face was a mask of emotions and stress and the never ending string of cigarettes were kept alive as he lit another one. This job was aging him and the wrinkles near his eyes and on his forehead was becoming more prominent. His leg shook up and down as he concentrated on the seas and he'd swear quietly to himself as we'd roll over massive waves. His eyes would shift down to the monitor near his leg, keeping a close eye on his hard working but exhausted deckhands. I'm not sure how long I watched him for but he must have felt me staring because he turned to meet my gaze. His brow wrinkled with question and I just smiled at him. "Sorry, I shouldn't have been staring."

"No problem. Is there something on your mind?" He moved his gaze back to the ocean and then back to me.

I shook my head, "No, I was just watching you. I've never just sat here and paid attention to what you were doing before, I was interested."

A small grin came to his lips, causing his eyes to smile. "Well, don't do it anymore."

I picked my book back up and had just found a comfortable position in my chair when my dad screamed into the loud hailer. I quickly looked through the glass of the door behind me just as an immense amount of water started to recede from the deck. I jumped up from my seat so I could get a better view and started to count the men down below. "Dad, there's one missing, I only count five. Who's missing?"

"Edgar, who's missing," My dad shouted. "I want everyone accounted for, now!"

"Wait," Someone was moving around on the port side. "I think its Crosby. Where was he when the wave hit? Why would he be all the way across the deck? Dad, what if he's hurt badly?"

"Lexi, stop asking me questions." My dad stood up and walked out to see the damage for himself. "Is everyone okay?"All five men looked up at my dad. Everyone was accounted for but Crosby was soaked through and struggling to stand on his own. "Crosby come inside and get dry and then we'll assess the damages."

I ran down the stairs and met Crosby in the gear room. He looked up at me, "I'm fine. I just got my feet taken out from under me and I went for quite a ride across the deck but nothing's hurt, I'm just a little shook up."

"Are you sure," I could only just stand there and stare at him. I was so afraid that he was hurt and was refusing to tell me the truth.

"Yes, I'm sure. I just need to get out of these clothes and to sit down for a few minutes. It's nothing that hasn't happened to me before, in reality, it wasn't that bad." He pulled his gloves and his oil slicks off before gently pushing past me.

I followed him into the galley and down to his stateroom, "But what if you're hurt worse than you think?"

He began peeling off his sweatshirt, "If I was hurt, I'd tell you but I'm not hurt."

"But on deck you were wobbling. Why were you doing that? Why did Nick have to help you stand up?" I folded my arms across my chest, ready to stand my ground if an argument were to ensue. I wanted answers to my questions and I wanted to know for certain that he was okay.

He had just stepped out of his sweatpants and was now standing in front of me with nothing but his underwear on. "Lexi, are you going to stand there while I change?"

I could feel my cheeks start to burn with being caught in the presence of a half naked Crosby. "Sorry," I turned around so he could pull on dry clothes. "I'm not leaving though until I know for sure that you are okay."

I heard him rummaging around behind me but after a few minutes it stopped. I was about to turn around when I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist. "I told you that I'm fine. You need to quit worrying so much. It would take more than that to take me out of commission."

I turned around in his arms to look him in the face. "Okay, I'll believe you this time." I smiled up at him, relieved that he was safe. When I had originally counted the men on deck and there had been one missing, my heart had stopped briefly, the idea that I had lost him flashing across my mind. "I couldn't handle losing you now."

He raised his eyebrows at me and smiled, "So I'm there huh? I've managed to get past your unbreakable wall."

I slapped his shoulder, "I can't say I'm proud of that fact, it wasn't very unbreakable and you seemed to get through without too many major issues."

His arms tightened around me and he placed his chin on the top of my head. "Try not to worry too much about me, I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," I said into his chest.

A cough sounded behind us and we quickly broke apart to see my dad standing near the galley table. "I just came down to check on you but I see that someone has beaten me to the punch," He winked at me. "Just to ease my mind though, how are you doing?"

"As far as I can tell Sig, I'm just fine. I think when that wave hit me it knocked the wind out of me. I don't think anything is broken or sprained and I feel okay." Crosby put a hand on the small of my back and steered me towards my dad.

"That's good news. Stay in here, I plan on calling the others in shortly so there is no sense in sending you back out." My dad disappeared back up the stairs.

I turned to look at Crosby, "Is there anything I can get you?"

"I can get it myself but since I know you'll insist coffee would be fine." He sat down but kept his eyes on me as I poured him some coffee and set it down in front of him. "Thanks."

I sat down across from him and watched as he took a sip from the hot liquid. We were in that same position when the others started to file loudly into the galley.

Edgar looked at the half empty pot of coffee, "I thought at one point I said that this pot should never be empty?

I looked over at him and then down at the coffee pot, "What are you talking about, I just made that pot a little while ago. It's hot and there is plenty in there for you."

"Oh, so now you think you can talk back to me huh?" Edgar shook his head sending freezing cold water droplets all over my face and hands.

I squealed, "That is so not nice." I jumped up and ran at him, prepared to take him down at any cost. I would have gotten him down too, if it hadn't been for a set of strong arms that kept me attacking my uncle.

"We need him and you killing him now wouldn't be helping anyone." Norman's voice sounded behind me, "I'll hold him when we get back to Dutch and you can have at him then."

I laughed as Norman's arms loosened from around me. "I will hold you to that promise." I looked at Edgar and pointed, "You're mine."

He pretended to be shaking and frightened. "Oh, now I'm scared. I don't know what I'll ever do to protect myself. I guess I'm a goner."

I took the glove that Norman was holding in his hand and threw it in Edgar's direction. "You better be scared." I stuck my tongue out at him and he came at me. "Stop, stop. Please stop." Edgar's fingers found all of my most ticklish spots as his attacks become relentless. "This is so not fair, get off of me."

The laughter drifted up, loud and clear, to the wheelhouse causing my dad to smile to himself. Over the past couple of days he had noticed a change in me. It was a small change; one so slight that anyone else probably wouldn't have noticed it right away but it was there. He took a deep breath and looked out at the massive ocean before him, his little girl was starting to come back to him and at the moment he couldn't be happier.

* * *

We were within five miles of St. Paul Harbor but the ice that was threatening to engulf the island was making the travelling slow. I looked down at Crosby, from my position on the counter in front of him, who was sitting in the co-captains chair, my feet resting on his legs. My dad was inching the boat through the ice, a string of obscenities coming from his direction every time a large chunk would scrap along the side of the boat.

"I really hate this stuff." He stated to no one in particular. "Where's Edgar?"

"I think he's sleeping but I'm not sure. I haven't seen him since dinner but I can go find him if you want." I jumped down from the counter and headed over the stairs.

"Tell him I'd like him to come up here and while you're at it, will you wake the others. We'll be docking here before long and I'm thinking that it won't be easy. I'll need everyone on deck." He swore again as a loud clanking noise echoed down the hull of the boat. As I disappeared down below, my dad turned to look at Crosby. "It may be a little early but I'd like tell you thank you."

Crosby looked back at my father confused, "What for?"

"For helping Lexi. It isn't very noticeable but there is a subtle change there, she's seems different but in a good way." My dad turned back to watch the ice.

"I want what's best for her and I want to see her happy. Honestly, I don't know how to do that or if what I'm doing is going to work in the long run but all I can do is go with my gut and I feel that just being in her life might help her see that there is a life worth living." Crosby took a deep breath.

My dad knew that having new people in my life wasn't something that I was completely open and accepting of and he was afraid that my letting Crosby in could possibly end up hurting me in the end. "I'm asking that you please don't do anything that is going to hinder her healing process. It is something that is going to take time and I don't want her jumping into anything that is going to hurt her in the long run."

Crosby shook his head, "Believe me Sig, I won't hurt her. I've been trying for a year to get her to let me into her life and now that I'm there, there is no way that I'm going to do anything that will jeopardize that. She's a wonderful girl and I want her to know that she deserves so much more than she's allowing herself to have right now."

"I'm glad that we are on the same page and I hope that we can continue to be on that same page as far as my daughter is concerned. I'd hate to have to kill a valuable deckhand like yourself." The serious look on my dad's face had left and he grinned.

Crosby didn't say anything just turned his attention back out toward the ice field in front of him and watched the horizon for St. Paul Island.

* * *

I had gotten everyone up and they were all in different stages of getting dressed and ready to go out on the cold deck. I was making a quick snack for everyone when Jake came into the galley and leaned against the counter. I looked over at him and smiled, "Hey." He didn't smile back, just stood there and stared at me. The look he was giving me was a little unnerving. "Is there something I can do for you Jake or are you going to just sit there and stare at me?"

I didn't think, at first, that he was going to answer me but I heard him take a deep breath. "Are you going to tell Josh?"

I was confused, "Tell Josh what?"

He rolled his eyes at me, "Tell Josh that you've moved on from him and are now fucking Crosby."

"What," I was astounded at this accusation. "I have no idea what you are talking about. Crosby and I are just friends Jake, how many times do I have to tell you that?"

"You and I are friends Lexi and you don't act the same around me as you do around him. Not to mention the fact that lately, you've been, well different." His eyes wouldn't leave my face and he was making me really nervous.

"Jake there are different kinds of friendships between different people. I'm not going to act the same around you as I would around Anderson or Crosby, for that matter. Why are you accusing me of doing something with Crosby, which by the way, I don't appreciate your tone or your choice of words." He was starting to piss me off some and I didn't want to get into it with him at the moment.

"He's my brother Lexi, of course I'm going to stand up for him. You said that if or when it came down to it, you'd break up with Josh before anything happened with you and some other guy. I'm pretty sure that you haven't told Josh jack shit and I'm not sure that you've got the balls to tell him." His stance started to relax a bit and I knew that he didn't want this argument to get too heated.

"I get that you want to stand up for him, but Jake, he and I are adults and we can handle our relationship as such. If something were to go on between Crosby and myself then I would break up with your brother and I would tell him the truth, I wouldn't be able to lie to him anyway. If I'm not mistaken, didn't you say that you weren't the biggest fan of me and Josh together?" I leaned on the counter across from him.

He nodded his head, "I did say that and I still hold true to that fact but that doesn't mean that I want to see him hurt. He loves you Lexi and you know that."

I looked down at the floor when Jake said those words. I knew that Josh loved me and he had loved me for a long time. Once again, I hated myself for not being able to love him back. "Jake, there are things between me and Josh that are complicated. We're together for reasons that don't even make much sense anymore. They were good at the time but those times have passed, and I think that everyone is right when they say that it's time to move on. I've been living in the past, like the accident never happened, like my life didn't change drastically. I was dating Josh before and I'm dating Josh now. I was unscathed before and I've made it so that there is no way I can be hurt now. I've been so careful as to who I allow in my life that I've forgotten what it's like to just live. Josh has been great and wonderful and I couldn't have asked for someone better to be by my side through everything but I'm afraid that Josh has gotten just as used to this created life that he too, has forgotten how to live it. I don't want either one of us to go on like this forever; we can't keep going down the path we've chosen. We need to stop holding one another back and just let go." I took a deep breath looking back up at Jake.

"I'm not saying that you have to stay with him, I'm just asking you to tell him if you choose to move on without him. You'll crush him but at least try to do it as painlessly as possible." He pushed away from the counter, "The last few years have had to of meant something to you, enough that you feel he deserves that respect."

I watched Jake walk past me and into the gear room. I was speechless. I hadn't realized that Jake had been paying attention and I hadn't realized that what I was doing with Crosby could possibly be damaging to Josh. I didn't want to hurt him but how could I not when I knew that I had to end things with him. Josh and I had had our run and it had been a good one, hell, a great one. The guilt started to take over again and the kiss Crosby and I shared ran through my mind. How could I have been so stupid as to allow that kiss to happen? Easy, I had wanted it to happen, had wanted it to happen for over a year now and I'm only human. We all make mistakes and well, this was just another mistake to write down in my book. I'd just have to be more careful from now on and not let myself get too close to Crosby, at least physically. We'd just have to keep the touching and the hugging to a bare minimum and the kissing would have to stop all together until things with Josh could be worked through. I knew I was asking a lot of myself, but I'd been very good up until this point at keeping people away, what were a few more weeks of keeping this one at arm's length. "Ha," I said out loud, "Like I'm actually going to be able to accomplish that feat."

* * *

The unloading process had taken about 24 hours and once we were finished we headed back out through the ice field into the open waters of the Bering Sea. Since my sleeping habits had been so up and down, I took this opportunity to try and get some peaceful sleep. Edgar was up in the wheelhouse so I was left alone in our stateroom. I was lying awake in the semi-dark room, the door partially open, when I caught of glimpse of Crosby walking past the door. For a brief second I bit my tongue, not wanting to do anything that could make my situation with Josh worse, but my desires won out and I called out to him. His head appeared in the doorway and I motioned for him to come inside. He looked around before slipping in, shutting the door behind him. I slid over as far as I could go in my bunk making room for his much larger frame.

He settled down next to me, "What happened to keeping a bit of a distance?"

"I should not have told you about that," I shook my head. "I just figured that since I sleep better when I have a warm body next to me, I'd give it a go with you."

His fingers were playing with the hem of my shirt, tugging on it ever so slightly, lifting it up to reveal the skin of my stomach. "I'm happy to be that warm body but aren't you a little nervous about your uncle or your father walking in and seeing us like this?"

"Not really, it's not like we'll be in a compromising position, we'll just be sleeping." I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together.

He rolled over onto his back and I laid my head on his chest, "Sleeping it is then."

I tried to fall asleep, I really did but sleeping was a lot harder when you wanted to do more than sleep with the guy lying next to you. I was having a very hard time keeping my hormones in check and I had a sneaking feeling that he knew that. His breathing was slow and even but I knew he wasn't asleep, "Crosby?"

"I thought we were supposed to be sleeping." His voice was low and husky and it managed to send shivers up and down my spine.

"I'm not sure at the moment I want to sleep." I took the chance at being forward and slid my hand up underneath his shirt.

Crosby sat up a little, grabbing the bottom of his shirt with both hands and pulling it up and over his head. "There, is that better?"

My heart started beating fast at the implications of him taking his shirt off was creating. Wonderful, but very dirty, thoughts started to race through my mind and none of the consequences made an appearance. "It does make the access easier." My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I could see him looking at me with that same hunger, from the first time we kissed, in his eyes.

His arm slid around my back and I could feel him take a hold of the bottom of my shirt. "Are you sure this is something you want to be doing?"

"Crosby it's not like I haven't done this before. I'm a big girl and believe me, I want this." I leaned up and pressed my lips against his to silence the questions and doubts that he might have. It worked because he deepened the kiss, wrapping both arms around me and pulling me up onto his chest. It was only a matter of seconds before my shirt was lying on the floor next to his and he managed to flip me over so that he was now on top. I was no longer thinking, for the first time in a very long time I was going purely off of want and desire. Crosby was no stranger to the female body. He knew exactly where to kiss and where to touch to make me want more. My shorts and underwear, along with his boxers, had been tossed onto the floor long ago and Crosby gazed down at me, asking with his eyes, for permission to continue. I nodded my head and grabbed a hold of his shoulders as a rush of warmth swept through my entire body. I bit my lips to keep the sound to a minimum. Crosby noticed and covered my mouth was his, his tongue pushing its way past my lips. I'd never felt pleasure like this before and my body started to quiver, not just once, but three times, before it finally calmed down. My breathing was ragged and labored and I held onto him until my heart stopped racing. He slid off of me and onto his side, his arm draped across my stomach. I snuggled up to him and kissed his neck. "Wow!" It was the only word I could use at the moment, my thought process failing me.

His laughter was soft, "That good huh?"

"Much better, I just have no words at the moment." My eyes were starting to become heavy and I wanted very much to sleep. "Don't leave, okay?"

"I won't go anywhere until I know that you're asleep. I'm right here." He allowed me to stay curled up next to him until my breathing became slow and regular. Once he knew I was asleep, he carefully crawled out of the bunk and dressed in the dark. He didn't think that Edgar would say anything if he found him in bed with his niece, but he didn't want to take that chance. He opened the door as little as possible, turning to look at my sleeping form before slipping out. A smile stayed on his lips as he walked down the hall and disappeared into his stateroom.

Coming down the stairs from the wheelhouse, the moment Crosby sunk out of my room, was Jake, anger slowly creeping into his body. The thought that his talk with me meant nothing was the only thing that came to his mind. I'd said that I wouldn't do anything before breaking up with Josh and here I was doing that exact something. He had decided earlier to allow me and Josh to work things out on our own and not get involved, but now, now he had to get involved. Josh needed to know and since I wasn't going to be the one tell him, he'd just have to do it for me.


	8. Chapter 8

A piece of paper flew by my head and bounced off the counter in front of me. "Lexi will you stop that incessant tapping, you're driving me crazy."

I looked down at the pencil I held between my fingers, "I'm sorry dad. I didn't realize I was doing that." I picked the paper up and threw it back at him.

He just shook his head at me and lit another cigarette. "Why are you so antsy anyway? You can't possibly tell me that you miss our quiet home that much."

"It's not so much that I miss home, it's just that I'm tired of being on this boat." I picked up the cup of coffee that sat in front of me and took a sip.

"Let's remember whose idea it was to come onto 'this boat', shall we. If I'm not mistaken there was a lot of begging and pleading from a certain daughter and one of her obnoxious uncles." My dad grinned at me from his captain's chair.

I rolled my eyes at him, "Oh please, you wanted me to come. You're just going to use my begging as a mask for the fact that you were happy I wanted to come aboard."

"Oh whatever, I never said I wanted you here." He tried to hide the smile that was slowly creeping onto his lips. "I'd prefer you at home; tucked safely away where I know you wouldn't have gotten into any trouble."

I snorted at him and stood up, "Just because I'm predictable doesn't mean that I can't do something to surprise and shock you."

"Um Lexi, predictable means that you won't do something to surprise and shock me. You would have done nothing but sit in that house and twiddle your thumbs. It's probably the only thing I could count on while being out here." He kept his eyes on me as I moved closer to him.

"Well, you don't need to worry too much. I'm fairly sure that I'll still be predictable so you can spend that energy elsewhere." I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, planting a very wet kiss on his temple.

He pushed me away, wiping the side of his face with his hand. "How in the world did I ever raise such a bratty child?" He just shook his head as I kissed him again.

"I don't know but you must have done something right. Either that or Edgar had more influence on me than you care to admit to." I hoisted myself up onto the counter near him.

"This is what I get for allowing him to be around you so much when you were little. He was just so enamored with you when you were small that I didn't have the heart to tell him to fuck off." My dad laughed.

I smacked his shoulder, "You are a mean old man, you know that?"

His laughter just got louder, "What can I say, it's a gift."

I chuckled at him as I shook my head. "And to think that mom always said I took after you more than anyone else."

At the mention of my mom, my dad turned and looked at me. "Are we to that point? Are you going to start talking about them again?"

I leaned in close, placing my elbows on my knees, propping my chin in my hands. "I can't just let their memories fade away and die. It's been a long time dad, I think that maybe it's better to bring them back out into the open and not keep them buried any longer."

He reached out and cupped my cheek with his hand. "You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that."

"You don't know how happy it makes me to be able to say it and not want to cry." I keep my eyes on him as he stood up and wrapped his arms around me. His hug spoke volumes and as he held onto me I could tell that a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. I hugged him back with everything I had. "Dad," I waited until he pulled away slightly, looking down at me. "I just want you to know that I'm going to be just fine, that everything is going to be just fine."

He placed a kiss on the top of my head before sitting back down. "I've been waiting a long time for you to get to this place in your life. I love seeing that smile on your face make more of an appearance then it used to. I can see the old Lexi again and it makes my cold heart melt a little."

"Cold heart my ass, you're a softy. I've had you wrapped around my finger since I was born. You only act tough, but that's all it is old man, an act." I shook my finger at him and laughed at his shocked expression.

"I am so not a softy." He smiled, "Oh alright, I'm a softy when it comes to you, but only when it comes to you."

I looked out at the ocean in front of us, "Brandon would have loved it out here."

The feeling in the small wheelhouse changed dramatically at the mention of my brother's name. My dad shook his head, "Lexi, I don't think that talking about Brandon is such a good idea. It's only going to bring up bad memories and I think it's best if we stay focused on the good ones instead."

I was pressing and I knew that I could only press my dad so hard before he'd get angry but I thought I'd give it a try. "Why did he leave?"

My dad took a deep breath and stayed quiet. Brandon was not a subject my dad talked about. In the four years since he'd bailed on us, I'd only heard my dad mention his name twice and neither one of those times was anything good said about him. "He said he left because he couldn't handle seeing you suffer. He said that everyone mourns in their own way and he needed to get away and do things on his own."

"He was so young though, why did you ever let him go?" I kept my eyes on my dad, watching for signs that I had let things go too far.

"He was eighteen Lexi, there wasn't anything legally I could do to make him stay. It was his decision to leave and that is going to have to be something that he'll have to live with for the rest of his life." My dad's eyes showed no emotion as he kept his stare straight ahead.

"What if he wants to come back?" I said quietly.

"It doesn't matter what he wants anymore, he gave that option up when he left. I told him before he left that I found his choice to leave the family, to leave you, at the time unacceptable. I told him that if he walked out that door he was never allowed to come back." My dad looked over at me and noticed the sadness that was starting to creep into my eyes. "Look Lexi, Brandon made his choice and he has to live with that. I know that it's hard for you to think about and I know that you want to see your brother again but you can't just up and abandon your family in a crisis. Hansen men stick by their families; they take care of them through anything. Brandon was a disappointment, he still is a disappointment. Do you know how heartbroken your mother would be if she knew what he did? We raised him to be better than that, we raised all of our children to be better than that." He stopped for a few minutes, quietly thinking to himself. "If you want, when we get home, you can read the letters that he's sent."

I looked at my dad with surprise, "He wrote?"

My dad nodded, "Every week for four years. I read the first few but with each one I just got angrier and I didn't care what his excuses were anymore. I kept the letters though I figured someday you'd want to read them. However, I want you to just forget about your brother for now, focus on you and your life and when you're ready, then we'll talk about Brandon."

I knew my dad was right, as much as I wanted to see my brother, as much as I wanted to think about him, I was better off leaving that part of my life in the past, at least for now.

"Lexi," My dad said quietly.

I looked back at my dad, "Yeah?" A piece of paper hit me squarely in the forehead. "Oh, you are dead old man, really dead."

* * *

"We're going home, we're going home." I couldn't help myself from jumping up and down.

"Hey, calm down there twitchy. We aren't home yet, and what the hell are you doing out here?" Edgar stared at me, shaking his head.

"Dad said it was calm enough for me to come out there, that and I was driving him crazy so he kicked me out of the wheelhouse." I jumped towards him, holding onto his shoulders.

"Now that sounds like Sig." Edgar took a step back, "If you're going to be out here, you should do something useful."

"And what would that useful thing be," I bounced closer to him again.

He tried to dodge me again, "I'm thinking you could clean the bait bins."

I stopped and looked at him, "Eww, there is no way."Edgar took a step towards me and I started to back up. Nick, however, was right behind me and kept me from getting away. "Wait you two, this so isn't fair, you can't gang up on me." I tried to get away but Edgar was faster than me. He grabbed me around the waist, lifting me up over his shoulder. "Put me down!"

"This is what you get for coming out on my deck, girls aren't allowed out here." He stopped and I looked down underneath his arm. The hatch to the crab tank was open and Edgar was standing right near the edge.

"Don't you dare, dad will kill you." I started to struggle, kicking my legs so he'd lose his hold on me.

"Actually, big brother gave me permission to torture you if you ever came out on my deck." He shifted me on his shoulder.

"Wait, I was only told I couldn't come out if I didn't have permission. I had permission so therefore, you can't throw me in there. Edgar, don't you dare throw me in there." I screamed as I was lifted off of his shoulder and swung around as if I was being thrown. However, my feet landed back on the deck and not in the hold. I turned around and punched Edgar directly in the shoulder. "You are cruel, you know that, so very cruel."He couldn't stop laughing; none of the guys on deck could stop laughing. I glanced over in Crosby's direction, "Oh you think that this is funny?"

He just nodded, as he clutched at his stomach. "I'm sorry Lexi but you should have seen the look on your face. It was priceless."

I stomped my foot as my dad's voice sounded across the deck. "Classic Edgar, that was classic."

I ignored them all and hurried back inside. I wasn't mad but I wanted them to all believe that I was upset, at least for a little while. As I exited the gear room, I nearly ran over Jake. "I'm sorry Jake, I didn't see you."

"That seems to be a trend with you," Was all he said as he walked past me.

I stopped him by grabbing his arm, "Jake, what's up with you lately?"

"Nothing is up with me, but you might want to make sure that nothing is up with you." He shrugged my hand off his arm and headed outside.

I shook my head, what in the world did he mean by that. Oh well, it was Jake, you could never tell what was going on in that dude's head. I grabbed a cup of coffee and settled into the galley table. It was cold out and since the crew didn't have to be outside, they'd all be making their way in shortly. Sure enough, with the hour they all piled into the gear room, laughing over something Nick had said.

Crosby sat down next to me and I just glared at him, "What? Are you still upset about what happened? I swear Lexi I had no idea he was going to do that."

"Whatever!" I slid away from him and turned so that I was facing Edgar. He was grinning at me, "You are a horrible person."

"Horrible, huh, I like the sounds of that." He rubbed his hands together to get them warm before grabbing a cup of coffee for himself. "There is no sense in being pissed at LeVeen; it wasn't his fault after all."

I looked at Crosby and winked, "I'm not mad at anyone I just wanted to make you suffer a little."

"Well you did a shitty job at it. If I were you, I would have dragged it out longer, make us suffer a little more." Edgar took a seat across from me.

"Well I guess I'll just have to do better next time." I made to kick him under the table but managed to kick Nick instead. "Sorry Nick, I aimed wrong."

Nick reached down to rub his shin, "Well aim better next time. God, he's right there, he's not that hard to miss."

"You probably deserved to be kicked anyway, I'm sure you did something to warrant it." I kicked again, this time nailing my target.

"Ouch, now that hurt. I didn't hurt you." Edgar's brow wrinkled in pain.

I stuck my tongue out at him, "It doesn't matter, and I needed to pay you back." I looked around at the faces surrounding me, "Where's Jake?"

Crosby shrugged his shoulders, "He wanted to stay out longer, didn't say why."

I moved back closer to Crosby, reaching down to place my hand on his leg. "Someone should get a deck of cards I'm going to kick all of your sorry asses at poker."

* * *

The entrance to Dutch Harbor was in sight. I sat up in the wheelhouse with my dad and uncles, bouncing in my seat with excitement. Dutch meant we were finished, meant we were going home. I had been away from home for too long and I'd been on this boat for even longer. I was ready to see my aunt and my cousins. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and eat in my own kitchen. I wanted to be able to sit in front of the television and watch actual shows, not the same stupid movies over and over again. I wanted to clear the air with Josh and I was ready to start living again.

Edgar put his arm around my shoulders, giving them a squeeze. "Excited to be going home? You have been quite jumpy lately. I'd say that you're ready to fly this coop."

"It's not that I don't like being out here and on this boat but I'm not used to it like you guys are. I wanted to go weeks ago." I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him. "To tell you the truth, I'm just sick of seeing your ugly mug."

"Ha, ha, cute. You know you've enjoyed seeing me every day, all day long." He reached down to try and tickle me.

"Oh no you don't," I squealed and ran to hide behind my father's chair.

"Hey, I am not here to protect you from him." My dad tried to block the access to my protection. "If you two are going to act like children, go play outside."

I ignored my father as I continued to keep him between me and my uncle. "Norman why aren't you helping, aren't you supposed to be holding him so I can get in some punches."

Norman shrugged his shoulders, "We aren't in Dutch yet. I'm afraid there is nothing I can do, my hands are tied."

Edgar and I called a truce because he had to go out on deck to prepare to dock. I looked at my dad, "You really are no help at all."

"My wheelhouse is no place for rough housing. Besides that, you could take him." He winked at me.

"I can't take him if he's tickling me. I'm useless if there is tickling involved and he knows that. Damn him and his stupid fingers." I looked out the windows in front of me, seeing the docks of the harbor get closer and closer. "Are you happy that we're done and going home?"

"Very happy and very relieved, it's been a long trip. However, it's been a good trip, so really it is sort of bitter sweet." My dad smiled, "I'm glad you came though, it was nice to have you along for the ride."

I looked over at him, "I'm glad I came too, it was a good thing I talked you into it." He just laughed and shook his head, his eyes focused, preparing to dock the long boat. I sat quietly in the co-captain's chair and waited until everything was secure before heading down into the galley to grab my coat. A few minutes later, I walked out on deck.

Crosby's smiling face greeted me first, "Hey you."

"Hi," I said as I stood next to him. "Solid ground awaits."

"Give me a minute, I need to run in and grab a couple things, then we'll head up to the Elbow Room and get a much needed drink." He kissed my forehead as he rushed by me and into the boat.

I stood on the deck, studying my surroundings. I breathed in the cold, salty air and was thankful that everyone had made it back safely. I saw movement down on the dock out of the corner of my eye and looked in that direction. Jake Harris was walking down the dock, away from the Northwestern. I scanned the other boats and noticed that the Time Bandit and the Cornelia Marie were docked together down the pier a ways. I watched him climb up onto his father's boat and disappear inside. I shook my head, I wasn't sure what I had done to that kid but he'd gotten so cold towards me. I let it slide as I felt Crosby's arm slip around my shoulders once again. "You ready to go now?" He just nodded his head and helped me climb down off the boat. We walked down the dock together, our shoulders touching but keeping our hands and arms down at our sides. A few yards in front of us, I saw Josh climb from the Marie onto the dock and I turned to Crosby. "I'm going to run down there and talk to him I'll meet you at the Elbow."

"Okay, I'll order you a drink, Captain and cola?" He smiled.

"Yeah, I'll be there shortly." I continued down the dock as Crosby turned towards the Elbow Room.

"LeVeen, hold up." Josh's voice carried through the icy air.

I looked in his direction and then back up towards Crosby, who had stopped. I was standing in the middle as both men got closer. The look on Josh's face was scaring me, I'd never seen him look so maniacal before and I was afraid that something was going to happen. I tried, in time, to step in between the two approaching men but Josh was too quick for me. Before I knew what was happening, Josh had reared back and punched Crosby directly across the jaw. The sound was horrific, the crunch of bone against bone.

Crosby stumbled back, "What the fuck man! What was that for?"Josh prepared to throw another punch but Crosby was ready for him the second time, side-stepping the flying fist. "Are you crazy man? You don't just start throwing punches for no good reason."

"No good reason. I'll give you a reason, how about fucking my girlfriend. Is that reason enough for you?" Josh's nostrils flared as he stared both of us down.

"Josh I can explain," I stepped towards him. "I promise there is an explanation and I didn't want you find out like this."

"Well, you have a fucked up way of doing things now don't you Lexi. One season on a crab boat and you've managed to move on. I guess promises mean nothing to you." I had never seen him look so angry and I watched him clench and unclench his fists.

"Josh I didn't plan this, it all just sort of happened. I was going to tell you as soon as I saw you I wanted to be the one to tell you." I was scared, he'd never been mad at me before and now I was seconds from losing him. I reached out to take his hand but he pulled it away quickly, "Josh?"

"Don't, just don't. There isn't anything you can say that I want to hear and frankly, standing here looking at you is making me sick." Without a second glance he spun around and started walking down the docks.

I ran after him, "Josh wait, please let me explain."

He stopped and turned around, "No Lexi, there will be no explaining. You've obviously decided and now you have to live with that choice. I should have known that this was going to happen after that stupid kiss." He noticed my expression change, "Oh, I knew, I don't know how you could think I could be that stupid. Don't follow me and just stay the fuck away from me."

I watched him walk away from me and my knees grew week. I slowly slumped down towards the wooden deck, tears blurring my vision of his retreating form.

**I just wanted to explain something. I put the brother into this chapter, not because he's going to be a part of this story but because if I decide to write a sequel, it gives me something to go off of. Also, I'd once again like to thank everyone for the wonderful reviews and the nice things that were said. I've really enjoyed writing this story and it makes me happy to know that so many have enjoyed readying it. The story is nearing its end and I should be quick in updating from here on out.**


	9. Chapter 9

Crosby knelt down beside me, taking my arm gently, "Lexi get up."

I looked up at him, gently placing my hand on his cheek. "Crosby you're bleeding."

"I don't care. Can you please get up for me?" He placed a hand underneath my elbow, trying to coax me to my feet.

I tried to stand by my knees would not cooperate. I looked back up at Crosby, "I can't."

He placed an arm underneath my knees and another wrapped around my shoulders. "Hang onto my neck, and hang on tight." With that he lifted me up off the ground and started walking back towards the Northwestern.

Edgar was standing on the dock as Crosby came into his line of sight, "What the hell happened? Is she okay?"

"She's okay physically. Can you help me get her onto the boat?" Crosby leaned over as far as he could, allowing Edgar to get a hold on me so he could pull me over the rail. Once I was safely on deck, Crosby climbed over the rail himself. He took me out of Edgar's arms and walked towards the entrance of the gear room.

Edgar was right on Crosby's heels, "Again, I ask what happened?"

Without turning around Crosby said, "Josh found out that Lexi and I have become a bit more than, um, friends over the past few weeks."

"Is that where you got that nasty welt from?" Edgar had noticed the cut and the bruise that had now begun to form on Crosby's jaw.

Crosby nodded as he opened the door so he could step inside. "He sort of sucker punched me but I guess I don't blame him too much."

"Who told him and what did they tell him?" Edgar was confused as to what was going on. As far as he knew Crosby and Lexi had gotten close but he couldn't figure out who would have gone to Josh, his mind quickly coming to the answer himself, Jake.

Crosby shrugged his shoulders, "I'm guessing Jake told him and I'm guessing that Jake discovered that Lexi and I, well, that we." Crosby stopped, not really wanting to discuss our little rendezvous with my uncle.

"Are you trying to tell me that you and Lexi have had sex?" Edgar rolled his eyes at the taller man. "We all knew man, that wasn't much of a secret."

Crosby walked into my stateroom and laid me down on my bunk. "Okay, so we weren't very good at keeping it a secret. I realize it was stupid since she was still technically with Josh, but geez man, I couldn't help myself."

"So we think that Jake told huh? Well that makes sense, him being related to Josh and all and for the fact that he seemed to be really pissy over the last trip." Edgar stood in the doorway.

"I knew there was something up with his attitude but I guess I didn't care why he had the sudden change in attitude." Crosby looked down at me. I had rolled onto my side, my back facing the two men.

Edgar glanced in my direction, "So he hit you but he didn't touch her did he?"

"I would have killed him if he had, but no, he just hit me once and then took a second swing at me but he missed that time." Crosby folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the door frame. "I honestly didn't think that he could hit that hard, but he managed to daze me a bit."

Edgar disappeared into the galley for a second, coming back with a package of frozen peas. "Here man, keep the swelling down."

Crosby took the bag from the older man's hands, "Thanks. I figure I'll let her rest for awhile. She's pretty shook up over the whole thing."

"I thought everyone had gone down the Elbow room. What are you two doing here?" Sig came up behind Edgar, seeing me lying in my bunk. "What's going on?"

Crosby lowered the peas, exposing the dark purple bruise on his face. "Josh found out about me and Lexi and made it known that he's not exactly thrilled with the turn of events."

Sig's eyes grew a little wider, "He didn't touch her did he?"

Crosby shook his head, "Nope, just hit me. He stormed off and she chased after him. He said some pretty mean things and didn't give her a chance to explain. I think that is what's bugging her most, that he wouldn't listen to her at all."

"Great and she'd been doing so well. Of course it all had to be too good to be true." Sig rubbed his hands against his face. "Fuck man, he could have handled himself so much better."

Edgar looked over at Crosby before turning his attention towards his older brother, "Sometimes we act before we think about the consequences. You can't blame the man for reacting to news like that."

"Yeah, maybe but I still don't like it." Sig turned to leave, "I want to get her home as soon as possible so let's get this boat cleaned up and get out of here."

Edgar turned to follow his brother, "I'll take care of the things on deck so you can keep an eye on her, okay?"

Crosby nodded his head, "If you need me to help, I'll be right here."

It didn't take long for the boat to be cleaned and for everyone's stuff to be packed up. Crosby packed up all of my things along with his own and was ready to go when Sig made the announcement that the plane was on its way. He knelt down near my bunk and softly touched my arm. I turned to look at him, my eyes red from the tears. "Is it time to leave yet?"

He nodded his head and helped me up to my feet. "Are you going to be able to stand on your own?"

"I think so," I held onto his arm as I tested the durability of my knees. "Yeah, I'm good." He took my hand and I followed him out of the boat and onto the deck. He helped me over the rail and into the waiting car. I pulled out my phone, only to have it snatched from my fingers.

"You have to leave him alone Lexi, you have to give him time to process what has happened. Talking to him now is only going to make it worse and it's only going to upset him more." He told me before I could protest, "Besides that, you'll just be horribly upset when he doesn't answer."

I relented in trying to get my phone back, turning to look out the window. I hated myself and I hated Jake. I should never have done what I did but Jake should have let me tell him, he should have let me explain everything. We arrived at the airport and I absentmindedly climbed from the car and followed our procession into the small terminal. At first I didn't see him, but soon his face came into my line of sight. I ducked away from Crosby and quickly covered the small amount of space. His livid stare bore into me but I didn't back down. "Josh, please?"

He shook his head, "I'm not doing this Lexi, I'm not doing this now and I'm not doing this ever."

"I need you to understand, I need you to see my side." I was begging but I didn't care, I just wanted him to listen to me.

He laughed, a horrible, hateful laugh, "You're side? I don't give a fuck about your side. Get out of my face."

Phil, who was standing a few feet away from his son, turned when he heard the hateful words. "Josh, what is going on?"

"Why don't you ask her? I'm pretty sure she can explain to you why she chose to fuck Crosby and completely ignore the fact that she already had a boyfriend." The look of disgust on Josh's face was making me shirk away from him slowly.

Phil couldn't believe what he was hearing, "And where did you hear this bit of information from?"

"From Jake," Josh looked over at his father. "Jake was on the boat with her this season, I'm sure that he knows what he's talking about."

Phil shook his head, "So you took your brothers word for the truth before even talking to Lexi? That was a boneheaded move, how could you have been so stupid?"

Josh's hands started to come together into fists, "I'm the bonehead, I'm the one who's being stupid?"

Phil looked at his son, "For Christ's sake calm down. You know Lexi, you've known her for years, why don't you just listen to her?"

"Dad, stay out of this. This is between me and Lexi and right now I don't want to see her or talk to her, period." He looked back at me, "You need to leave."

I realized that this really wasn't the time or the place to argue with him. Crosby had been right, Josh needed his space and he needed time. "I'm leaving," I turned and walked away from him. It hurt to do so, it hurt a lot, but I knew that it was the best thing for both of us. Josh hated me and in order for him to ever stop hating me, I needed to stay out of his life until he brought me back into it. Tears started to fall down my cheeks again and I tried to wipe them away but they just kept coming. I glanced behind me, looking at him one last time. I was going to miss him so much.

* * *

Two weeks had gone by, two very long weeks. I had gotten myself into a routine, which was helping me deal with Josh. Crosby came around daily and I loved seeing his smiling face. My dad had been very supportive and kept the talk of Josh to a minimum and Edgar did his best to cheer me up every time he saw me. God, I loved my family so much.

I was sitting on the swing out on the back porch that afternoon, enjoying the abnormally warm weather for Seattle. Crosby had gone to help Edgar do some work on a couple of Edgar's rental properties and my father was out at the shipyard over seeing some work that was being done to the Northwestern. It was quiet and I was taking pleasure in my time alone, when I was interrupted by the loud dinging of the door bell. I didn't bother with the peephole, just opening the door blindly. I took a step back as it revealed Jake Harris standing on my front step. "What are you doing here?"

He put his hands up in surrender, "Look, I get that I'm not your favorite person and probably the last man on this earth you want to see, but I came to apologize."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. I moved aside and let him into the living room. "This is amusing, you coming to apologize to me."

"I knew he'd be upset when I told him but I had no idea he'd act the way he did. Honestly, I never thought it'd go this far." He took a seat on the couch.

"You should have let me handle it, Jake. Coming from you, it just looked like I not only betrayed him but couldn't face up to the fact that I had done something wrong. He'd still be mad at me, but I would have spared Crosby a sore jaw and I would have been able to explain things to him. You took that away from me Jake." I sat down in the chair across from him.

"I know I did and I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything. I'm not sure why I did what I did, other than I was just so angry with you." He fidgeted with the baseball cap in his hands.

I looked at him, "Why were you mad at me? I didn't do anything to you; it wasn't you I was cheating on."

"I guess that's just it, it wasn't me you were cheating on but it was Josh and he wasn't there and I guess I just felt like he needed to be able defend himself. For some reason I felt like it was my duty as his brother to stand up for him to take care of what I thought you weren't going to do. I just thought that he needed to know and that he needed to know soon." He shook his head, "When I saw him punch Crosby, I knew I'd made a mistake."

I frowned at the man sitting across from me, "Why did it take you until now to come tell me this?"

He looked down at the floor, "It took me until now to get up the nerve to come face you."

I laughed quietly, "Jake you could have come to me sooner. I may have been pissed off at you but I tend to handle my anger better than some people. I'm still mad at you though, but what's done is done and until Josh will talk to me, nothing has changed."

"I've tried to get him to call you but he refuses. He's being overly stubborn and stupid and nothing dad or I say does any good. We've tried though, Lexi." He looked up at me, shrugging his shoulders.

"Josh is going to be Josh and being stubborn is what he does best. Thank you for trying though but maybe it would be best if you just leave him alone as well. He'll eventually come around, I hope, but until then, maybe he just needs space to breathe." I didn't believe anything I said but I hoped that he would come around.

Jake stood up, "I have to go. I'm late meeting Josh and he's already mad at the world, no need to piss him off more."

"Thanks for stopping by Jake, I do appreciate you telling me this and for the apology. I know it wasn't easy for your ego to admit to being in the wrong." I ruffled his hair before he placed the cap back onto his head. "See you later Jake." I waved goodbye as he pulled out of the driveway, one Harris boy down and just the most important one to go.

* * *

"Where the fuck have you been? You're over a half hour late Jake and now we aren't going to make the movie." Josh screamed in Jake's face as Jake walked through the front door.

Jake pushed his way past Josh and walked down to his room, not wanting to tell his brother where he had been.

"Hello, Jake? I'm talking to you." Josh stood in the doorway and glared at his brother. "Where have you been?"

"I went to see Lexi," Jake said quietly, hoping his brother wouldn't hear him.

"You went to see who? Are you kidding me? I thought you were on my side here, after all you were the one who had to open his big mouth in the first place." Josh's anger started to get the best of him.

"Josh I was wrong, I never should have said anything to you. I should have let her come and tell you. She feels really bad and I felt really bad for betraying her the way I did." Jake wanted his brother to understand.

"Since when is she the victim here, since when do we feel bad for her?" Josh couldn't take it anymore, he walked away from Jake. "I'm going out. I can't stand to be in the same place with you right now." Josh grabbed his keys and headed for his car. He didn't care where he was going, he just needed to get as far away as possible from his little bitch of a brother. How dare he do something like this to him! He should have known that what he did would have just made things worse, he should have known better than to go and talk to her. Thinking about Lexi made him so angry and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why he just couldn't let it go. He'd known for a long time that Lexi didn't feel the same way about him that he felt for her. He'd known after that fucking kiss on the deck of the Northwestern that he was going to lose her to Crosby. She was his best friend, the love of his life and she should have handled the situation better. She should have respected him more than she did, she should have just been smarter about everything. It was starting to get dark but he didn't care, he just pushed the gas pedal down further, making his car fly along the deserted back roads. His mind was anywhere but the road and he didn't see the deer that had jumped into his path until it was almost too late. He swerved and managed to miss the animal but his car was careening out of control. He slammed on the brakes but they locked up and his wheels wouldn't turn. He was headed for the edge, the incline that headed down into the forest. He closed his eyes, wishing that he were anywhere else but in this car. He felt the car hit the edge of the road and he tried to mentally relax his body. He knew that the more tense you kept your body the harder on you the impact would be and there would be a greater risk of injury. He opened his eyes, a large tree flying closer and closer to the front of his vehicle.

* * *

"Hello," I answered the phone.

"Lexi," The voice on the other end choked out my name.

"Jake, what's wrong?" My stomach started to tighten up.

I heard him take a deep breath and try to calm his emotions, "It's Josh. He's, he's, Lexi he's been in an accident, a really bad accident."

It took me a few seconds to find my voice, "What kind of accident?" I prayed that it didn't involve a car. The silence on the other end of the phone told me that that's exactly what kind of accident it was. "Jake, is he okay? Please tell me he's okay."

Jake sniffled, "I don't know. I got a call from the hospital, they couldn't reach dad. All they said was that he'd been brought in by ambulance and that he was going to be taken into surgery as soon as possible. I have to find dad, and you have to go to Josh." The dial tone was deafening.

I stared at the phone in shock, not believing what I had just been told. I grabbed my car keys and by the grace of god managed to make it to the hospital. I was crying so hard I couldn't see even a few feet in front of me. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me again, another car accident and another hospital, only this time it would be me holding his hand. I walked into his hospital room and I stopped. Josh was sitting up in bed, a cast on his right arm, a large bandage across his forehead, a smile on his face and a very pretty nurse taking his blood pressure. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, glad to know that he was indeed okay.

He heard me sigh and looked up, "Hey."

"How could you have been so stupid? How could you have allowed this to happen," The panic slowing being replaced by anger.

"Don't be upset with me, I was pissed off and you honestly can't blame me for that." The nurse quietly left the room but Josh's eyes never left my face. "I did something stupid, yes, but you, you promised you'd never leave me. My stupid accident is far less significant than what you did."

I walked over and sat down on the edge of his bed, "I know and you have every reason in the world to be angry with me, I should have respected you more than I did. I am truly sorry, though, I never wanted you to find out the way you did, that was a horrible mistake on my part. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you." I took another deep breath, looking away from Josh's face.

"I should have known that this was coming though. Hell, for a year now I've had a feeling that he would be the one to steal you away from me." He said.

"I didn't plan for any of this to happen and I really tried to keep it from happening but I gave into temptations. I truly did have all of our best interests at heart but somehow those seemed to get lost along the way. It wasn't really Crosby's fault either, if I would have said absolutely not and put my foot down, he would have backed off." I stared at the wall in front of me, afraid to look the man I'd hurt so badly in the face.

"I guess maybe you are just better off with him and not with me. Maybe he can do more for you than I ever could." I heard him sigh.

"You know what I came to discover over the last two months," I looked back at him. "I learned that it isn't about who I'm with or who is in my life but that it's all about me. I've been living in denial for so long that I forgot what it was like to enjoy life. My mom would be so disappointed in me and my sister; it would have hurt her so much to know that I gave up living because she had died. She always looked up to me, she always wanted to hang out with me, to be just like me and my friends. I can't believe I was so stupid for so long."

Josh held my gaze, "I didn't help, I was so worried about losing you that I figured I'd just help you live in fear, that way you would be too scared of letting me go and I'd have you forever. I should have been the better boyfriend and I should have been a better friend. You were hurting, you were suffering and all I did was prolong the pain."

"It isn't your fault Josh, I would have been this way no matter if you were there or not. I am very glad you were there though, I don't know what I would have done without you." I was quiet for a moment, "Do you know that I blamed myself for the accident?"

He gave me a startled look, "Why? You weren't driving. You weren't even in the front seat."

"I know but that didn't matter. I went over the bits I could remember so many times and I convinced myself that if I had done something different they'd be alive. I mean, why did I live? Why did they have to be the ones to die? Why didn't I go with them? Why did they leave me and my dad alone?" I broke down into tears. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and with a slight tug, Josh brought me to him. His good hand rubbed my back and he quietly told me that it was okay. After a few minutes, I pulled away and brushed at the tears that were still clinging to my cheeks. "You know, I've never told anyone that before, not even my dad. I didn't want him to worry about me anymore then he already did and I knew that if he knew I was thinking those thoughts, he'd panic. I know now that there was nothing I could have done differently; I just wish that it hadn't happened at all, I wish I still had my mom and my sister."

He looked at me, "Anyone in your place would feel the same way, but we can't always question the 'what ifs,' we just need to move on with our lives. Now that's something I should have told you a long time ago."

I smiled at him, "It doesn't really matter now, does it? We did what we did because we both thought that we were doing the right thing, even though we now know that we were wrong. I guess the only thing to do now is to just move forward." I stopped, keeping my eyes locked with his, "I'm not going to lose you for good, am I?"

His hand was still placed on my back and the smile on his face grew, "We've been through hell and back and I'm not going anywhere. To be honest though, it will hurt for a while to see you with him."

"I wish there was something I could do?" I placed my hand on his leg, sorrow filling my eyes.

"Just be happy Lexi, that's all I ever really wanted. As long as you're happy, whether it be with him or me, then I'm happy." He placed his hand on top of mine.

"Are you sure?" I want to be sure that we could get past this, that we could be friends again.

"Positive." His eyes shifted to the open door.

I turned around to see what he was looking at and the doctor, along with the nurse, had just walked into the room. "I will take this as my cue to leave. I'll be out in the waiting room if you need me for anything." I stood up and walked out, taking a long look at Josh before I disappeared around the corner. As I approached the lobby, the tall frame of Crosby came into my view. "What are you doing here? How did you know that this is where I'd be?"

He covered the space between us quickly, pulling me into his arms. "Your dad got a call from Jake, who in turn called me and told me to get my ass over here."

I smiled up at him, "That sounds like my dad."

He looked at me, worry creasing his features. "How's Josh doing?"

I smiled, "Oh, he's fine and he'll probably have a date with a nurse for tomorrow night."

He laugh was comforting, "And how are you doing?

I stared into his eyes, nodding my head. "I'm fine." He leaned down to kiss me and I wrapped my arms around his neck. As he pulled away, my eyes remained closed and a smile grew on my lips. We took a seat in the lobby and were soon joined by Jake and Phil. I filled them as best I could and when the doctor came out, he told us that Josh had a severely fractured arm and that they were taking him into surgery to put in pins. The doctor said that the bump on his head was superficial and that he was one very lucky young man. His car had been totaled and that he probably shouldn't have come out of it alive. I heard Phil take a few deep breaths and I went over and sat down next to him. I wrapped both my arms around his shoulders and hugged the bear of a man. "He's going to be just fine Phil, Josh is tough."

He looked at me and nodded, before standing and patting me on the head. "I need a smoke and a really stiff drink. I'll be outside, if there is any news come and get me right away."

I nodded my head, "I will." The doctor had said that the surgery shouldn't take more than a couple of hours and I curled up in the seat next to Crosby, my head resting on his shoulder. Jake was on the phone, letting everyone know that Josh was okay and that he was in surgery for his arm and that he'd call as soon as he knew more. The time seemed to drag on and I couldn't help but have horrible flashbacks of my time spent in this same hospital. Every once in awhile a tear would slide my cheek and I'd wipe it away. Crosby put his arm around my shoulder, letting me know that he was there and that everything would be okay. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the doctor approaching and Jake went to grab his father. Once Phil had returned, the doctor told us that the surgery had gone well and that Josh's arm should heal just fine. Phil asked if he'd be ready to go by October and the doctor said that baring any strange healing deficiencies that he should be good as new by October. He then told us that we could go see Josh but to try and not overwhelm his senses, he had just come out of the anesthesia. We walked as a group down the long corridor to Josh's room, Phil and Jake entering first. I stood in the doorway, Crosby standing behind me, and watched the father and son interaction. Josh looked up at me and smiled, motioning down to the new, white, gleaming cast on his arm. I smiled back at him, "So now I get to torture you during your rehab. This is going to be fun for me." I heard Josh laugh and I turned to look at Crosby. "You ready to take me home?" He nodded and reached down to take my hand. I turned to look at Josh one more time and he was holding up his thumb. "Thank you," I mouthed to him and his smile just got bigger. I walked out of the hospital with Crosby, knowing that things were going to be just fine, that everything had finally fallen into place.


	10. Epilogue

One month later

Josh and I sat on the dock, our feet dangling below us. "Will you hold still, if you don't this is going to look like crap." Josh's cast sat in my lap and I was in the process of drawing on it. "How was your date last night?"

A big grin came to his face, "It went really well, if you know what I mean."

I rolled my eyes at him, "My god Josh, I've known you for how long? Of course I know what you mean, and ewww, by the way."

"Oh you're just jealous that you no longer get any of this." He ran his tongue across his lips and winked at me.

"You're stupid," I swung my leg over and kicked him, "How much longer until you get this thing off?"

"The doc said that I have to wear the hard cast for another three weeks and then they'll replace it when a softer cast that will help me during rehab. I have no idea what all that means, I just nod my head and act like I care." He looked out across the bay and surveyed the giant boats. "You going back out come king season?"

I shook my head, "Nope, I'm going to stay here. One season out on the Bering Sea was enough. I don't think I can handle another round of torture."

He gave me a sideways look, "You telling me you didn't enjoy it at all?"

"I didn't hate it; it was just too emotionally draining. It did bring me and my dad and me and my uncles closer though and that I'm really happy and thankful for. Not to mention Crosby, but I probably would have ended up with him regardless." I looked at Josh.

He smiled, "I'm glad you're with Crosby now. I've never had so much fun being single. There are so many hot girls out there and they all want a piece of me."

I rolled my eyes again, "You're ridiculous." I laughed as he brought his good arm around to flick me in the hand. "Hey, none of that now, I am holding your bad arm hostage here."

Josh was quiet for a few minutes, "So I hear that you're going to meet Crosby's family."

I nodded, "We leave a week from tomorrow. I was going to tell you but it just never managed to come up."

"So things are getting pretty serious with the two of you, huh? Does he make you happy?" Josh studied me as I continued to draw on his cast.

"Yeah, I'm happy, but I wouldn't be as happy as I am if you and I didn't work things out and if we weren't friends. I do need you in my life Josh, it just wasn't in the capacity that we both once thought." I glanced up and him and saw him smiling at me, "What?"

"Nothing, I just missed the old you. It's good to have you back," He grinned at me.

"There I'm finished now," I let go of his arm and I watched as he studied it carefully.

"What is it," He looked perplexed.

I shrugged, "It's nothing, I just doodled."

He shook his head, "Oh great, you just doodled on my arm. Now I have to live with that for another month," He started laughing.

"Lexi, Josh, what are you two doing? Are you coming with us or are you just going to sit there and watch us leave?" I looked up to see Edgar standing at the end of the dock.

We were taking the Northwestern out for a day of deep sea fishing. The entire Hansen clan was going, along with the rest of the Northwestern crew and their families. Jake, Phil and Josh were coming along and of course Crosby couldn't be left behind. Josh stood up and stood over me, his hand reaching down for mine so he could help me to my feet. With an arm wrapped around his waist and his draped over my shoulders, we walked down the wooden planks to meet up with my horribly impatient uncle.

**The End. So I hope everyone enjoyed this story was much as I enjoyed creating it. I had a blast with the characters and I had fun seeing everyone's reactions. I had fun meeting the challenge of taking a story from start to finish and I feel pretty good about how it turned out. I want to thank everyone for the reviews, you all had so many kind words and they really did keep me going when I struggled with where I wanted the story to go. Thank you to everyone one who read it and I hope to someday attempt at writing another one of these things, but until then, it's been real. :)**


End file.
